Gertie almost throws a hammer at the movies

Movies are a popular dating options when getting to know someone. I don't advise going to the movies on a first date and generally not on the second date either, but occasionally you bend the rules. The real reason why going to the movies is frowned upon so early in dating/relationship is because there is little opportunity during the actual movie for interaction and to get to know the person. In contrast I am sure my male readers would say that movies are excellent dates because there is lots of opportunity for contact and kissing.

However if you are planning on catching a drink/quickbite after the movie it's a great way to get to know each other after a shared experience. So after coffee with Fred Flinstone he asked me if I wanted to catch a movie with him later in the week. Gertie touts on her online dating profile that she likes to share popcorn at the movies, so it's something that people often suggest to her. She really only declines the invitation if the movie sounds bad.

I once had a guy take me to Beauty & The Beast 3D on a date, and even though it didn't work out, Kudos to him for the romantic date notion. Secret Confession: Gertie is a huge fan of action movies, horror movies, and movies that make most women roll their eyes. She also likes chick flicks and romantic comedies but because growing up her primary movie going buddy was her Dad, her movie taste is somewhat skewed. As we previously learned,  Gertie also doesn't jump at scary movies.

Choosing a movie, Gertie Style!

Fred and Gertie meet early after work to attend a movie, he hadn't mentioned what they were going to see, but Gertie was sure she would enjoy it. She knew there were several movies she was interested in seeing. Fred assumed that Gertie would want to see the inevitable chick flick that was playing in the theaters and widely hyped on all social media outlets.  Fred almost struck out when they met because he didn't have a plan of what movie to see.... or a specific time. You know when you are at the theater and shows start within a half hour window and then it's two hours before more movies play. Well that is what is going on as they are trying to decide. Fred responded that Gertie could choose anything she liked and pointed out the start time for the over-advertised chick flick. Unbeknownst to Fred, Gertie had already seen that movie twice and had no interest in seeing it a third time. I only saw it twice because I had plans with two different sets of girlfriends and didn't want to decline either girls night because I had already seen the movie, so I went to both. Back to the task at hand, within thequickly closing window there was only an action movie and a teen house party flick left to see.... Gertie had also seen the action movie. Ok OK I see a lot of movies, but it was late in  winter and with the weather being mucky, it had been a popular activity. So Teen House Party Flick, and with a swipe of a card at the automated machine Gertie and Fred were off to see Project X.

While Project X is a funny movie, the previews included a lot of raunchy humor. I was not uncomfortable in the least, being a sailor's daughter but Fred kept blushing as the raunchy humor ensued. Skip ahead to the movie, there was much talk about trying to get laid, vulgarity, and teenage angst. Gertie was thoroughly laughing and enjoying herself and poor Fred just kept looking at Gertie to gauge whether he had blown his chance and she was offended. Then there was the bedroom hookup scene in the movie. I have never seen a man turn so ghastly white at the sight of sex, and sneakily look to see my reaction. I felt like I was watching a movie with my Dad, and he was covering my eyes....as if you were a five year old. A quick squeeze to Fred's hand and a smile seemed to wipe the tension from his face and he relaxed and begin to enjoy the flick. The movie was actually incredibly funny. I laughed more at that than I did the 21 Jump Street remake that came out about the same time.

As the chatted after the movie and strolled about the local town center they relaxed and Gertie saw alot more of Fred's personality shine through. Remember Fred isn't a glittering gem he is more of a diamond in the rough. There was something about him in his work clothes, a bit more polished and professional than his casual coffee attire that really made Gertie notice his handsome features. Everything was going well and then Fred told the most embarassing story about taking a Lady on a movie date and losing his car in the process. Apparently, Fred is notorious for misplacing things, especially where he parked. He proceeded to tell Gertie about an app you can install on your phone to prevent such a thing from happening. All was going well, but the time to end the date had come upon them. Fred offered to walk Gertie to the car and said that they had parked in the same garage. Turned out he hadn't used the parking app and he was wrong. Gertie, treating others as she liked to be treated decided to give Fred a lift the two blocks to where he actually parked. On the way there she made jokes about her bad driving and they talked about their great time. 

There is something Gertie hasn't told you about going on her first two dates with Fred, they were all an attempt to get an invite to a group that Fred belonged to.....more about that in the next blog. Yes Gertie knows this is wrong, but honestly she would have never accepted a coffee date except for that Fred held a key to enter a lair which she had been seeking admittance. Despite the great time they had at coffee, Gertie really just wanted an invite to the group event he was attending the next weekend or she would have never agreed to an early bird movie in the middle of the week but Gertie had her eye on a prize......

Fred invited Gertie to the group event she had wanted to attend and started making plans to meet her that Saturday. As she pulled up to the garage where he had parked his car she made some idle chit chat and expected him to get out of the car. There had been minimal touching at the theater and no attempt to goodnight kiss had happened so far, so our HandShake Heroine thought she was in the clear.....BUT OH BOY WAS SHE WRONG!!! Remember when Gertie told you not to give boys rides home, even if that meant the man had to wait in the rain. Well never let men into your car or your apartment unless you are ready for them to see it as an invitation to take things to the next level..... 

 As Gertie stopped in front of the garage Fred took the invitation to sit in her car as an invitation to invite himself into her mouth. In one foul swoop he leaned in for a hug and kissed her on the mouth. Gertie was shocked, she hadn't seen the date as being so romantic nor their relationship as being so familiar. Remember Dear Gertie is often a prude when first meeting a gentleman. As Fred kissed her, she felt  his tongue jamming against her lips, a foreign invader to her mouth had arrived, in lieu of relaxing and kissing him back our heroine clenched her jaw. The combination caused an ominous thing to happen.......FRED LICKED GERTIE'S TEETH. Then as if once were not enough, when she raised the hammer and pushed him back, before she could throw it he leaned in and did it again. Later on when Gertie makes fun of Fred for doing such a ridiculous thing he tells her his best friend told him ladies like their teeth licked. HOW ABSURD!!!! Gertie didn't want to lose her invite to the event that Saturday so she game him an incredulous look and wished him a good evening. She really wished she would have thrown a hammer at him, but something held her back

Until Next Time, 

Gertie XoXo

Ps We know that I didn't throw the hammer because Fred is still being posted about on this blog, sometimes I shock and amaze myself.

Gertie assigns Fred a Number & Tips for Finding Men Online

I am going to start blogging more about the last few months; where I have been while I have been a little silent in my blogging. What I have been up to and the like. You are going to hear alot more about a character we refer to as Fred Flinstone, and today we are going to assign him a number.

Before we begin our second date story I think we should examine Fred's number and I should tell you a little extra story about him that occurred when Gertie went dress shopping with her friend Miss Off The Market.  This story occurred after Gertie had been out with Fred quite a few times but it won't ruin any surprised by telling it now. Something really funny happened to Gertie at this juncture that had never happened to her before in online dating.

We have talked before about Gertie's love of the quirky in her taste of men in general, but let me tell you how that bleeds into her taste of men online. Let me tell you my approach to viewing messages and checking out online profiles. When Gertie views messages from men online she always read the substance of the message first. Stock messages with no unique interest in her or her profile, mainly get deleted or rarely a "no thank you" response. It's not that these gentleman couldn't be attractive but Gertie likes a genuine message that shows interest and  writing prowess. Maybe it because I read about so many blogs. Maybe it's because I am always reading about the many messages that Ryan sends to ladies on AM. If that man can juggle a job, a marriage, two kids, a household, and a succesful blog and send personalized notes to his online conquests, so can any guy who wants to date me! So when determining Fred's Number, he was in strong contention for Number 10. To recap Number 1o is a guy who  read your profile online and commented on it thoughtfully and back in March I thought that would be his number but I never really made it official. 

Now let's get back to Gertie's online process for evaluating men. After I read a well drafted message that is unique and piques my interest, I check out the meat and potatoes of the man's profile. If his interests, grammar, self summary all seem in order, I check his details to see where he  falls in the Target Zone. Sometimes Gertie would lean out of the zone and date someone who wasn't her normal type trying to attain all the 17 guys we need to date for 2012. Then she views their photos. I know, I know... you don't believe me that I view their photos last but that's really how I view their profiles. I think I am really not an entirely visual person. Maria makes fun of me constantly, grabbing my phone and checking them out before she lets me talk about their stats.  Not that I don't have a type of that I don't like people that are attractive, but in my opinion looks fade. Long after six pack abs have come and gone a person's personality will still be around.

John Lithgow/ Fred the Killer

So if you read this far then I am sure that you really want to know Fred's number......drumroll please, after much debate and under the stipulation that a number can only be assigned once. I am assigning Fred......Number 16! So Fred had kind of odd photos. I mean we already learned that in our coffe story. Previously I think I mentioned he had a caveman resemblance but I think that is just because he had dark hair and had a picture next to an inflatable Fred. Upon further inspection I don't think he is very caveman like at all. He wears glasses, doesn't walk around barefoot, nor does he carry a club. He walks upright and he is very far from a Neanderthal. In fact although Gertie generally goes for tall dark and handsome and those words can be used to describe Fred, he is alot leaner and lankier than her normal prospects. So all of Fred's dating profile photos had funny lighting, they weren't flattering to say the least. Upon recounting her coffee story to her friends, when they asked to see his photo a few of them recoiled and asked her if she was sure about him.

Kathlene and her husband jokingly referred to Fred as a bit of a serial killer look to him. Although I think he looks nothing like Hannibal Lector or David Berkowitz. The only serial killer I can think of that he would even bare a slight resemblance to is a very young John

Lithgow way before he portrayed the Trinity Killer in Season 4 of Dexter. So he wasn't initially Gertie's type per se.

Fred Flintstones Doppelganger

However maybe dating slightly from the norm would help our heroine find love. So she gave Fred Number 16, The Guy you weren't initially attracted to but suddenly he's incredibly cute. And to be quite honest, Fred is incredibly  cute. Kathlene and her hubby say that Fred looks like a taller cuter Alton Brown but I think he is more aptly described as an incredibly young Tarantino look alike. Think early nineties, pulp fiction Tarantino.  And while I really am more of a chubby chaser I think this time I am going to try something new! :)

Back to the funny story about Miss Off the Market, a mutual friend, and Fred Flinstone. So after quite a few dates with Fred,     I went with Miss Off the Market  and a mutual friend to help her look at wedding dresses. It was a great girly day of fun and frills. We had an indulgent lunch and we re catching up on recent dates. Gertie was sharing about Fred showed her friends his photo. She was telling him that he was quite cuter than his photo and Gertie liked that his photos were a bit odd. She thought it might have saved him from being snatched up by someone else. The third friend at the table laughed, she is also single and indulges in online dating. Apparently Fred Flinstone who lives much closer to her than Gertie had messaged her at some point earlier in the year. His photos were a strong reason she declined messaging him back. See not everyone follows the Gertie process in choosing men and we all have different tastes. 

In the back of Gertie's mind she felt a slight bit of happiness or maybe it was in her Grinch heart, at least they never went on a date. Wow, wouldn't have that been awkward at the Fall Wedding.

Until Next Time, 

Gertie XoXo

I haven't thrown a hammer all summer!

I have gone out with someone for more than 10 dates. In fact we have been going on dates for quite a while. I have hesitated to say that he is my boyfriend or label whatever it is that is going on .

If I was him I would have surely thrown a hammer my way because some of my behavior has been outlandish and obtuse but alas he continues to put up with me. I think he does this because he is either slightly insane or really cares for me. I mean he would have to be one or the other to put up with all my shenanigans.

What kind of crazy shenanigans are you engaged in Gertie?

Examples include but are not limited to:

Introducing him by his name without labeling him and/or specifically telling him not to label me.
Asking him what the consequences would be for going out with other guys
Telling him I plan on going out with other guys, and occasionally hanging out alone with male "friends" (Although these were platonic occasion, I swear!!)
Making shocked faces when he asks about weekend trips or future planning
Telling him planning a trip in September was too far off and something I couldn't commit to....and it is almost June
But considering taking him as my flavor of the month date and asking him to keep his calendar free.

Are you dating some type of pushover or cad Gertie? What kind of reactions does this man have to your outlandish behavior?

Reactions include but are not limited to:
He simply stated if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck no need to be labeled with a sharpie, in retort to the boyfriend/girlfriend debacle. Speaking of ducks, have you seen the Teach me How to Ducky Video, it's hysterical! Almost make me want to be an Oregon Ducks Fan.
In response to what would occur if I dated other guys, his simple retort was that he wasn't interested in seeing anyone else but if I wanted to explore my options he didn't want me to feel pinned down. Then he texted me if we were still on for Saturday night and how far he should book in advance because of the competition.In regards to hanging out with other guys he simply asked me if we could go out the night before and then he....well, I am going to save that for a future blog. But believe you me it was convincing. And then he gave me the most ridiculous rules ever, he asked that I not intimately touch other men or kiss them on the lips. It really reminded me of the hooker rules in Pretty Woman.
His reaction to all my shocked looks and bewilderment in regards to future planning have been simply to laugh and say he loves my expressive face. Also that he think he and Kathlene have future planned this unlabeled relationship farther than I have.

And yet despite all my balking about what is or isn't going on and commitment phobia, Fred Flinstone really is a wonderful guy. I mean he started out a little rocky, and I am sure I will blog about it sooner or later, but he seems to be quite the keeper. My mom actually remarked on the phone earlier today when we were discussing something about the weekend that if I didn't make him my boyfriend soon, she was going to steal him from me herself. I wonder how my Dad would feel about my Mom having a boyfriend, they have been married for almost 35 years?

Watch out for hammers,
Gertie XoXo

Guffawed!

Updated: I am going to add a few points to this because blogging from my mobile device left a few details out of the story.So this is the first time I've blogged on my mobile device. (Fingers crossed that it goes well!)

I literally just guffawed on a date. It's with someone I've gone out with quite a few times. We went to lunch and were going to a movie. While we were having lunch the male server was slightly flirting with me. I thought he was being friendly, and I smiled and enjoyed the compliment.

The craziest thing happened at the end of lunch. My date asked the male server for the check. The server brought our check split in two. It wasn't split in half nor did we request it split. The server explained he brought the check split but put the two items we shared on my date's half. He added "I didn't know if you two were together..." and "Of course he wouldn't mind paying for the appetizer," says the server referencing my date and patting my date on the back/shoulder.

There was a moment of awkward silence. My date confused the server for even more My date responded, We're together and put down his card for the entire tab. I laughed hysterically.

I'm not sure if the server was trying to stop a girl from getting a free lunch? Or simply hoped we weren't on a date. The thought didn't occur to me but my companion thought he might have been flirting? Well actually after giving it some thought maybe he was flirting but it was a super ballsy move on his part. In all my years it has never happened to me before and it was incredibly funny. Kudos to Fred for handling it like a champ.

What's your take? Has anything so funny happened to you?

Watch out for split checks!
Gertie XoxO

Updated Rules Targets and Dates March 2012

Updated Rules Targets and Dates as of March 2012

Every month I will evaluate how my rules and targets are going and revise if necessary, the update is going to occur midmonth keeping in the Gertie tradition.

Here are the original Rules and Targets and here is the Revised Version(Updates for this month are in bold):

Rules for Dating by Gertie:

1. Give everyone who asks a first date, after careful screening, they will all teach you something.

2. Google everyone before you're first date make sure they aren't a serial killer and their story checks out. (Mandatory, do not stray from this rule)

3. Give everyone that makes you laugh a second date, when you're old laughter will matter more than you know.

4. Give everyone your Google Voice number, shield your actual cell phone number.

5. Have an email address exclusively for online dating, don't link that email to anything else in your life.

6. Only give third dates to men who make you feel butterflies, no need to waste time.

7. Kissing on a first date is the exception not the rule, but sometimes kissing on the first date is exceptional.

8. See a man's place before you every invite him to yours.

9. Bring enough cash on a date to roll out if the need arises.

10. Honesty is a paramount quality, watch out for inconsistencies.

11. Ask every man what he is looking for and make sure we are on the same page by date three.

Male Targets:
1. Tall men who reach the top shelf - remember to subtract two inches from a listed height on an online dating profile.

2. Broad Men who give Great Hugs; subjective but necessary

3. Someone who doesn't want to hang out everyday, but who wants to hangout a few times a week.

4. Someone who is awesome and has friends that are awesome, bonus points if your friends would mesh well with my friends.

5. Someone who knows there way around a kitchen, bar, or a pantry. I like Men who can cook, bake, and especially craft an interesting cocktail or two.

6. Gentleman who remember the little things, without being asked and care about your well being.

7. Someone who makes you laugh, the type of laughter that explodes throughout your entire body.

8. Someone who loves their mom, sister, women in their life but in a healthy well adjusted way.

9. A Great Communicator.

10. Someone who likes to eat cake, and other applicable cake skills.

Status on the 17 Guys to Date in 2012 (even if their dates haven't been blogged about, yet!)
Dates Accomplished
Well we have already coverd number 5, 6, and 13, this month while there have been a lot of dates I really think we only knocked a few more off the list:

Technically through Pon Farr we have blogged about Number 4 but Gertie can’t check that off her list.

Gertie has gone on dates with Number 10, The Guy Online Who Actually Took The Time To Read Your Profile And Comment On It Thoughtfully. His profile picture is almost irrelevant. This guy gets a date just for making the effort that so many other dudes online do not. We’ll be reading more about Fred Flinstone in the next few blogs, but feel free to start reading about him here

Watch out for Hammers,
Gertie xoxo

Gertie turns coffee into a competitive sport

Shocking as it may seem, considering my post about coffee dates I have reluctantly gone on a few of late. As Spring has sprung a little early this year, there has been a myriad of suitors coming out of the woodwork online to work there way into my dating lineup. In order to keep up with such a busy schedule, Gertie has been accepting lots of interesting dates and leaving no rocks unturned on her search for Mr. Right.

I still believe that Dinner is about the business of romance, but when weeding through a lot of applicants, giving a few suitors cheap auditions makes a lot of sense. I'll be honest from the start, Today we are going to hear about two coffee dates one that went well and one that got the hammer.

Let's begin with coffee with Fred Flinstone. Fred was a wonderful guy, a recent MBA grad who touted his academia on his online dating profile. He exchanged multiple messages with Gertie before ever revealing his name. Finally Gertie just started calling him Fred because one of his profile pictures contained a picture where he was pictured by the Caveman and they shared a resemblance. She also signed the email Yabba Dabba Do! After this occurred twice, Fred actually proffered his real name. Gertie, Maria, and their friends still like to refer to him as Fred. Gertie and Fred agreed to meet for coffee because Fred was incredibly anxious to meet Gertie and she was already booked for dinner for most of the weekend. They met in a equidistant location in a Starbucks she had never ventured to. When Gertie arrived she was anxious because coffee is such a tricky date. You generally pay for your own cup of Joe. Fred actually approached Gertie as she was ordering her green tea. He waved off her attempt to purchase her own tea and paid with cash in a gentlemanly fashion. Chivalry amongst her dates is always greatly appreciated by Gertie, although the gesture was small it is the little things in life that count the most. Prior to paying however Fred had sized Gertie up being quite tall and slightly intimidating, it was slightly awkward and uncomfortable. It was weird to be sized up at the beginning of their meeting. It felt more like a meat market than a coffee shop.

Gertie had a great time with Fred. He did reveal in their conversation a bit too much about himself or more so his family. It has been a common theme amongst Gertie's dates recently, that they reveal way too much personal information on to Gertie on their dates. Gertie is going to work this talent as a joke into her dating profile and see if the suitors pick up on it. But back to Fred, Gertie knows about all his siblings, their work history, marital status, and their deep dark secrets. Gertie loves to hear dates talk about their families and their relationships with their families, but Gertie prefers to hear more about her actual dates. Included in Fred's family gossip was that his mother lives close by, he grew up living with his Dad. His Dad seemed to be an interesting character with five kids, just as many ex wives, and a side of philandering for good nature. In addition some of his siblings have spent time in jail. (Note to suitors: This is a scary fact to reveal on a date.)

After ten to fifteen minutes of interesting conversation Gertie flipped the script and added an icebreaker to the date. She asked if Fred, a fellow game enthusiast, was up for a rip roaring game of Phase 10 and then she pulled the scintillating game from her purse.He eagerly agreed although, he had never played before so she gave him a few practice rounds before they started keeping score. Gertie then proceeded to happily mop the floor with him, as he enjoyed a second cup of Joe. The distraction of playing cards, really got the information flowing. Gertie learned a lot more about Fred. Fred was from the Centennial State. He changed majors often in college and he was on the Van Wilder plan. However after a lot of time meandering through undergrad he rocketed through an MBA in a little less than a year. He talked about some games he enjoyed. His cross country road trips and his current job. Gertie was laughing so hard she barely caught the time. The didn't agree to go out again as she quickly departed to meet her friend, but she hoped he would call. In predictable Gertie style she offered a quick handshake and danced away from her date. Our heroine, embodying social awkwardness one first date at a time, shook Fred's hand and assured him it was her signature move, little did he know about the hammer.

Before the night was over Fred had texted Gertie and asked if they could do something more date like soon. Coffee was not the business of romance in Fred's opinion either. Their story is just beginning. Maybe on our next date we will give Fred a Number.

Our second coffee fellow we will call Mr. Hot Tub, he lives local to Gertie's residence. He wanted to meet and she was slightly skeptical of the chemistry, so coffee seemed like a great idea. They met at the local coffee shop. Gertie rarely frequents coffee shops, but in the hopes she wouldn't run into anyone she knew, she picked the least popular one in town.

Mr. Hot Tub was very aggressive, he hugged Gertie upon meeting and lingered a little too long for her liking. He didn't pay for her coffee but he kept her company why they waited for their cups of Joe. They sat at a table by the window and he seemed to twitch alot and fidget while they were talking. He kept brushing her knee under the table or her hand on the table. Gertie was trying to get to know him as a person through words. Apparently Mr. Hot Tub was more about experiencing our Heroine's topography in touch than who she was as a person. She smiled sweetly and asked him to keep his hands to himself, as she scooted her chair a little farther back from the table. She told him that she appreciated an affectionate suitor but felt it was better to get to know each other first.

Mr. Hot Tub was very into himself, his car, his house, his hot tub. He had pictures of himself online with all those things in his online profile. From meeting him, Gertie noted that all the photos were slightly outdated. His pictures probably showed him when he purchased the items. In reality he had about five years on all his photos. He kept inviting Gertie to join him in activities at his house. He kept mentioning that he had a hot tub. He mentioned several times that his interest in Gertie extended beyond her beauty. He was really just so amazed that someone so beautiful lived so close. Gertie thought the whole compliment and aggressive invitation was strange.

He asked her if she lived alone and what street she was close to. Gertie not wanting to be followed home, raped, or have her face worn as a mask declined all questions. She was in the process of ending the date, when she was rescued. Two male acquaintances Gertie knew walked into the coffee shop and upon their arrival and her introduction to Mr. Hot Tub, he really started acting squirrely. She told her friends she would see them later in the week and she told Mr. Hot Tub that she was on her way. He chased her outside and wanted a hug to end the date. Gertie stopped him and told him that there had been enough touching in her opinion and the date was over. Unable to take the hint and with our heroine not yet winding up her arm for the hammer, Mr. Hot Tub invited Gertie to his place for a special tour of his hot tub time machine. Gertie declined by throwing the hammer and walking away. She really had wasted enough on her time on this molester. As the hammer landed upside Mr. Hot Tub's head he still hadn't gotten the point, he shouted across the parking lot. Hey! Wait, was it something I said? To be honest it really wasn't anything he said, it was more who he wasn't and that was simply that he wasn't a gentleman.

We will have an update from Pon Farr on her fabulous first date later this week but until then...

Watch out for hammers!
Gertie XoXo