Monday, March 12, 2012

Gertie turns coffee into a competitive sport

Shocking as it may seem, considering my post about coffee dates I have reluctantly gone on a few of late. As Spring has sprung a little early this year, there has been a myriad of suitors coming out of the woodwork online to work there way into my dating lineup. In order to keep up with such a busy schedule, Gertie has been accepting lots of interesting dates and leaving no rocks unturned on her search for Mr. Right.

I still believe that Dinner is about the business of romance, but when weeding through a lot of applicants, giving a few suitors cheap auditions makes a lot of sense. I'll be honest from the start, Today we are going to hear about two coffee dates one that went well and one that got the hammer.

Let's begin
with coffee with Fred Flinstone. Fred was a wonderful guy, a recent MBA grad who touted his academia on his online dating profile. He exchanged multiple messages with Gertie before ever revealing his name. Finally Gertie just started calling him Fred because one of his profile pictures contained a picture where he was pictured by the Caveman and they shared a resemblance. She also signed the email Yabba Dabba Do! After this occurred twice, Fred actually proffered his real name. Gertie, Maria, and their friends still like to refer to him as Fred. Gertie and Fred agreed to meet for coffee because Fred was incredibly anxious to meet Gertie and she was already booked for dinner for most of the weekend. They met in a equidistant location in a Starbucks she had never ventured to. When Gertie arrived she was anxious because coffee is such a tricky date. You generally pay for your own cup of Joe. Fred actually approached Gertie as she was ordering her green tea. He waved off her attempt to purchase her own tea and paid with cash in a gentlemanly fashion. Chivalry amongst her dates is always greatly appreciated by Gertie, although the gesture was small it is the little things in life that count the most. Prior to paying however Fred had sized Gertie up being quite tall and slightly intimidating, it was slightly awkward and uncomfortable. It was weird to be sized up at the beginning of their meeting. It felt more like a meat market than a coffee shop.

Gertie had a great time with Fred. He did reveal in their conversation a bit too much about himself or more so his family. It has been a common theme amongst Gertie's dates recently, that they reveal way too much personal information on to Gertie on their dates. Gertie is going to work this talent as a joke into her dating profile and see if the suitors pick up on it. But back to Fred, Gertie knows about all his siblings, their work history, marital status, and their deep dark secrets. Gertie loves to hear dates talk about their families and their relationships with their families, but Gertie prefers to hear more about her actual dates. Included in Fred's family gossip was that his mother lives close by, he grew up living with his Dad. His Dad seemed to be an interesting character with five kids, just as many ex wives, and a side of philandering for good nature. In addition some of his siblings have spent time in jail. (Note to suitors: This is a scary fact to reveal on a date.)

After ten to fifteen minutes of interesting conversation Gertie flipped the script
and added an icebreaker to the date. She asked if Fred, a fellow game enthusiast, was up for a rip roaring game of Phase 10 and then she pulled the scintillating game from her purse.He eagerly agreed although, he had never played before so she gave him a few practice rounds before they started keeping score. Gertie then proceeded to happily mop the floor with him, as he enjoyed a second cup of Joe. The distraction of playing cards, really got the information flowing. Gertie learned a lot more about Fred. Fred was from the Centennial State. He changed majors often in college and he was on the Van Wilder plan. However after a lot of time meandering through undergrad he rocketed through an MBA in a little less than a year. He talked about some games he enjoyed. His cross country road trips and his current job. Gertie was laughing so hard she barely caught the time. The didn't agree to go out again as she quickly departed to meet her friend, but she hoped he would call. In predictable Gertie style she offered a quick handshake and danced away from her date. Our heroine, embodying social awkwardness one first date at a time, shook Fred's hand and assured him it was her signature move, little did he know about the hammer.

Before the night was over Fred had texted Gertie and asked if they could do something more date like soon. Coffee was not the business of romance in Fred's opinion either. Their story is just beginning. Maybe on our next date we will give Fred a Number.

Our second coffee fellow we will call Mr. Hot Tub, he lives local to Gertie's residence. He wanted to meet and she was slightly skeptical of the chemistry, so coffee seemed like a great idea. They met at the local coffee shop. Gertie rarely frequents coffee shops, but in the hopes she wouldn't run into anyone she knew, she picked the least popular one in town.

Mr. Hot Tub was very aggressive, he hugged Gertie upon meeting and lingered a l
ittle too long for her liking. He didn't pay for her coffee but he kept her company why they waited for their cups of Joe. They sat at a table by the window and he seemed to twitch alot and fidget while they were talking. He kept brushing her knee under the table or her hand on the table. Gertie was trying to get to know him as a person through words. Apparently Mr. Hot Tub was more about experiencing our Heroine's topography in touch than who she was as a person. She smiled sweetly and asked him to keep his hands to himself, as she scooted her chair a little farther back from the table. She told him that she appreciated an affectionate suitor but felt it was better to get to know each other first.

Mr. Hot Tub was very into himself, his car, his house, his hot tub. He had pictures of himself online with all those things in his online profile. From meeting him, Gertie noted that all the photos were slightly outdated. His pictures probably showed him when he purchased the items. In reality he had about five years on all his photos. He kept inviting Gertie to join him in activities at his house. He kept mentioning that he had a hot tub. He mentioned several times that his interest in Gertie extended beyond her beauty. He was really just so amazed that someone so beautiful lived so close. Gertie thought the whole compliment and aggressive invitation was strange.

He asked her if she lived alone and what street she was close to. Gertie not wanting to be followed home, raped, or have her face worn as a mask declined all questions. She was in the process of ending the date, when she was rescued. Two male acquaintances Gertie knew walked into the coffee shop and upon their arrival and her introduction to Mr. Hot Tub, he really started acting squirrely. She told her friends she would see them later in the week and she told Mr. Hot Tub that she was on her way. He chased her outside and wanted a hug to end the date. Gertie stopped him and told him that
there had been enough touching in her opinion and the date was over. Unable to take the hint and with our heroine not yet winding up her arm for the hammer, Mr. Hot Tub invited Gertie to his place for a special tour of his hot tub time machine. Gertie declined by throwing the hammer and walking away. She really had wasted enough on her time on this molester. As the hammer landed upside Mr. Hot Tub's head he still hadn't gotten the point, he shouted across the parking lot. Hey! Wait, was it something I said? To be honest it really wasn't anything he said, it was more who he wasn't and that was simply that he wasn't a gentleman.

We will have an update from Pon Farr on her fabulous first date later this week but until then...

Watch out for hammers!
Gertie XoXo

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