Gertie Throws Hammers at Virgins

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Well you are all just lucky! Gertie is a Virgin Magnet. Well to be honest I am a magnet for many things Momma's Boys, Men that Live with their Parents, Old Guys, D&D Players, Southern Pretend Gentlemen, but I am sure we will get to all those over time. Today's topic will be when to throw Hammers at Virgins...

Upon first glance a 25, 30, 35+ year old Virgin seems harmless but don't let their meek and inexperienced novelty fool you. There are many Virgins in this world and they are most likely online dating. They are the guys who play at Games Stores, are obsessed with male dominated activities, and they are probably incredibly nice BUT....there's most definitely a reason they are not getting laid.

And as we learned from the last post, being nice doesn't mean you are getting in my pants!

My first experience with the World of Male Virgins was when I was quite young in my twenties. At first I thought this chaste man was a virgin for religious purposes, being chaste for morals can't be that bad? and it show commitment, so I tried not to judge. BAD IDEA. Men who are virgins after college are not Virgins by choice, they are virgins out of social awkwardness, or lack of opportunity.

Most recently I forgot this notion and on my first foray into the single world I again began dating a virgin. Now this virgin was quite tricky. He didn't not wear his V card emblazoned on his pocket protector nor did he keep it laminated in his wallet, he was hiding it waiting to reveal it at the most opportune time. Certain bells and whistles may occur if you find yourself on a date with a virgin, I will alert you to these trends so you can be aware:

Virgins are uncomfortable at physical interactions: they may be too aggressive in the need to kiss you, or uncomfortable with slight touching, they will also most likely not know how to kiss. Virgins will wait a few dates to even try and put it on you. Virgins will seem enamored with the idea of fooling around but not for the desire to actually have you more with the notion that it is finally going to happen!!

If you encounter one of these interesting frogs along the way I implore you not to take the kissing too far. They will not become your prince. Remember losing your virginity in high school, college, spring break, well sex with a Virgin is just like that EXCEPT you're not at that age/inexperienced anymore and you're still having virgin sex.

I did fall for a Virgin trap this summer, and I officially added the infamous V-card to my repertoire. It wasn't the best of times or the worst of times, but it was the most eager sexual encounter I have had in quite a long time. This Virgin liked cake, and after an amorous pregame I forgot his inexperienced status. Feeling quite Chinese and unable to think clearly I bounded into uncharted Virgin territory. The Virgin didn't finish....it was a long arduous process but it didn't seem to have an end, it just kept going and going. I chalked it up to a first time event.

The Newly Experienced Virgin and I continued to see each other for much too long. Forgetting how much first time sex meant to a Virgin there was far too much attachment on his end and much too little investment potential for me in any real future. The Virgin became obsessed with seeing me, sexing me, and being infatuated with me. He decided he was in love. Where I failed in ending this adventure is quite possibly the funniest part of the story.

Now we talked about the inability to finish, and it kind of continued in a sort of way. Being an experienced teacher I tried many ways to get the Virgin off. I didn't want to teach him that women were selfish and ungiving. There were many quirks about the things the Virgin was into after years with Rosey Palm, but all of them were understandable, except for this.....he couldn't finish unless one of us said I love you.

It happened on accident the first time. He had this look like he was holding back, I asked him what was wrong, and he replied, it's something we discussed that he shouldn't say. I told him that in the confines of the bedroom he should let his freak flag fly and say whatever he like. I told him sometimes things came out and that things happen and it was fine. That day the Virgin said I love you during sex as he finished, I was shocked and had no idea how to respond. But my encounter with him continued, and this is the point where I should have drawn the line. There was also the time he cried in public, but really it was that The Virgin liked to profess his love while having sex.,

Upon one such occasion, the Virgin was repeatedly saying I love you....it was becoming arduous, and I replied,"I love you too, would you cum already?' and then he did. It was a lie and turnoff all at once And after that during every encounter included that seven letter phrase. At this point I knew it was over.....to him it was romantic, to me it was insane.

I was going on vacation. I decided to end things when my vacation was over. We would already have a break while I was away so it seemed to make sense. I had never really broken a heart before but I knew that I was about to. When I told him it was over it lead to many follow up phone calls amongst which he told me that I destroyed his faith in humanity. That he didn't care that I didn't love him the way he loved me, he basically admitted he was willing to settle. My heart broke a little as I threw the hammer at that toad, and I really felt like a cad. While I didn't set out to break his heart I knew I had and for that I will forever be sorry.

What have we learned from this story boys and girls is already being promulgated by TLC and the Virgin Diaries, which I have yet to watch but have caught the previews, Watch out for Virgins. They are eccentrics, they may be sweet, but if you want sweet buy a puppy. Don't spear Virgins, and when they try to attach definitely throw your hammer!

Watch out for hammers,
Gertie xoxo

Let's start at the beginning..the need for a hammer

Once there was a recently dumped girl who began online dating. She was cute and funny and assumed all the other people online dating would be the same. She started exchanging emails with a Christian Rockstar, well actually he was a devout Catholic hockey commentator, but we'll call him Christian Rockstar none the less. He seemed perfect for her after being recently dumped, except....he didn't live in her state. He traveled for work and he called her often(he's the reason we have the phone number rule) but E-harmony said they were a perfect match so their online tryst continued.

He moved farther South and now he had commentated games in the state where her family lived. She visited there often so it occurred to her that if they were in the area at the same time maybe they could meet. They exchanged personal emails, phone numbers, IM, and he had plenty of time to chat. She ignored the fact that if he was such a catch in a new town, he should be out making friends and meeting people.

It really kept her occupied and she pushed past the loneliness of her breakup. In discussing their relationship history it came out that the Christan Rockstar had thought about being a priest, favorite move was Sister Act 2, and he was a 25 year old VIRGIN!!! He was enraged when he found out that Gertie was not a virgin too. He closed their match, sent her a nasty gram, and told her to never call him again.

But our young heroine told the Christian Rockstar off, she took crap from no one, especially a 25 yr old Virgin! She told him how dare he judge her after never being in a relationship and when he apologized she agreed to continue to chat. Being an inexperienced ingenue she made a mistake, she never should have continued speaking to him.

When someone judges you, ask yourself why?And when they judge you too harshly maybe you should consider judging them. They were not a good match but Young Gertie didn't yet have a hammer and so she continued trying to Spear a Toad.

She traveled to a Southern state and drove two hours to see this hockey commentator. She went to the game although she abhors hockey and then met the Rockstar out for drinks afterwards. Shockingly he didn't drink, and furthermore he didn't party like a Rockstar. In fact everyone on the team made fun of him and he seemed to not have any friends. They walked around for a while and Stupid Gertie decided to drive him back to his hotel. How harmless could this Virgin be? He was virtuous for religious reason and chaste for conviction.

And then it happened... on the ride to the hotel he told Gertie of his desire for her to wear a Singlet and how he wanted to take her down. He didn't want to have sex with her ever, he desired a sparring partner. Apparently this Virgin's fantasy was wrestling and Gertie domination. She dropped him off and declined to go inside. He tried to wrestle a kiss away from her in the car. She tried to decline but ejected him from the car after he molested her face in a fashion that can only be compared to being licked by a puppy from cheek to cheek. This Virgin was not a virgin of chaste moral nature but rather from lack of opportunity.

On the ride home she wondered why she hadn't seen the crazy warning signs?Why she had actually traveled by car and plane to meet a Rockstar? Why she didn't have a weapon of defense for his molestation. He called her the next day, before she left the state to perhaps have lunch or a visit. She knew they weren't meant to be, so she decided to tell him. He launched into some wacky tirade on the phone. She hung up.

The only thing that Gertie was certain of after this first foray into singleness and dating is that she needed a Hammer to Throw at Boys, until she finally speared a man. Upon the trip home Gertie decided to use her sharp wit and cunning skills to craft such an opportune weapon to protect her from the world of boys and toads.....

Watch out for hammers,
Gertie xoxo