Thursday, July 19, 2012

Myths about Gertie, and finding the real truths....

I read an interesting article about personal mythologies, it was published by The Frisky after an enthralling episode of Girls. I know some of my readers probably don't watch this show, but if you have HBO you should check it out. The first season recently ended but you can watch them on HBO GO.

Girls is interesting to me even though I am past that quarter life stage in my life, it reminds me of a young version of Sex and The City. Just my luck, I was too young for Sex and The City when it began airing. I was a teenager in high school, I watched it through the finale while I was in college and it always seemed like advice from my older sisters(If I had any) If it aired now it would have been more appropro for my age box. Although I can still learn from its lessons, I  have all the seasons and watch the reruns on E!.  And now they have this awesome show about the Quarter Life of women that is so Sex and The City-esque with less designer fashion, with more poverty, reality, and quirky personalities and I am about five years outside of the age box of these girls. But I remember being young and out of college like Lena Dunham and her crew, I was less bohemian and artsy and more working as hard as I could at multiple jobs while starting my career. Yes my friends before Gertie was a superhero she used to sling cocktails, beers, and she's a retired sindustry professional. You learn more about me week by week.

Back to the article about personal mythologies, the topic at hand was basically that we actualize personal myths and create them as our own reality  even though they can be negative and untrue. In Girls we see Marnie act as Hannah's sounding board and smack her back into reality on the episode before this article was written.

That got me thinking that I should look at what personal mythologies I ascribe to myself, what they are, if they are true, if they are not, if I don't like them what I can change to stop them from pervading my life. Really there is one mythology that is pervasive in my life whose veracity is questionable and now that I am thinking about there are problem quite a few.  I will now look at my own perception's of myself and debunk whether they are truths or myths

Myths about Gertie

Myth #1 I am tall. I am very short, five foot three and one half, I have been this tall since I was ten years old. At ten it made me tall for my age, in my thirties it makes me slightly below the average height for an adult female. In my mind, I am as tall as a glamazon and it makes me discount shorter statured men. I should debunk the myth that I am tall and realize that even average heighted people are taller than me and I can date them. Alot of my friends are taller than me and it took me till this year to realize we weren't like sized adults.

Myth #2 That people are looking at me because I am unattractive/have some malady, I'm very self conscious sometimes. It's entirely irrational, deep down I know I am attractive and that I draw attention for my personality as well as my looks. When men are checking me out and or people glance in my direction, I will acknowledge they are looking at me and smiling because they like what they see. I will no longer think there is spinach in my teeth and they're waiting for me to pass so they can gossip about some malady I am unaware of. Lol

Myth #3 Gertie is a  bad cook. My mother never taught me how to cook, she simply taught me how to bake, mostly because she didn't like to bake herself. There is a rumor going around my family that I didn't know how to cook for years.  I always thought that my cooking was subpar I compared it to my mom, a chef I dated in my 20's, and culinary genuis' on TV. The truth is I am an excellent cook, this year my mother had me teach her how to make risotto. I may use recipes but I even get things right and tasty on the first try. I will no longer second guess or question my cooking, I will present it to the world as being excellent until someone tells me different.

Myth# 4 That showing cleavage is bad. I blame this entirely on my father as a hangup from my childhood. I developed too early and I think my Dad was uncomfortable with my bosoming breasts. He told me shirts that were too low cut were unattractive and encouraged me to keep the girls covered. Over the years I have grown to love my attractive bust. It has only been recently in the last few years that I have embraced showing cleavage at social events, in clothing, as mature women do. In fact as soon as I learned to love my girls, there appearances didn't quite draw as much attention. The more people get used to seeing them the more they become part of the backdrop and not the forefront of the Gertie Show. Showing cleavage can be tasteful, sexy, and appropriate for a fun fearless heroine like Gertie.


I challenge all of you to take stock in what thoughts you may hold as mythologies about yourself and to try and set them aside if they are not true. We are all our own biggest self critics. We should remember to love and support ourselves as we love and support our loved ones. If you have a critical thought or if you notice a negative mythology holding you down, imagine your reaction if someone said that to your best friend. Can you be your own Marnie? Throw hammers at those myths and get them out of your head. That will make progress in learning to love your best self.

Until Next Time, 

Gertie XoXo


Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Update on Gertie's Crushes

So in a recent post I know that I shared that I have a few crushes about town. Some of them I flirt with more than others, some are more realistic.....

Well I decided to bite the bullet and up the flirting with Covert D based on my feedback in my last blog. In late June I was set to see him at a work meeting and I arranged in advance with my work husband to help me with my cause if it looked awkward. Well Covert D was not at the meeting but his work colleague was. They seem very buddy buddy, Covert D and his bro. My work husband that he would do some covert ops of his own to finally ascertain the single status of the man who makes me swoon..... although there was no ring, there had been some lingering doubt from my end on Covert D's single status. It just seemed as if something were amiss. (By the way have I mentioned my work husband before? Do you have a work spouse? Maybe this can be a future blog. My work hubby just happens to be a ladies man and it has contributed to some very funny stories....it also reminds me that men are DOGS!! So thanks to my work hubby for keeping my ideas about men in perspective)

Well while I was standing talking to my work buddy Covert D's colleague walked by us in the hall. My work husband engaged him in conversation for a few minutes. There I was standing between two towering giants who were both over six foot tall, and my slightly less than average height, five foot three and a half self was beginning to feel like I was interrupting a grown up conversation. My work hubby asked the colleague where Covert D had been but he didn't use his name. He said,"Where has your little buddy been lately, I haven't seen him as much as I used to..." Work colleague was thrown off guard because we actually have people who are midgets in our work group. Super heroes can be all sizes you know!?! :) So after alot of confusion the colleague retorts that Covert D has been keeping busy. My work husband retorts," Has he been keeping busy in the office or with that hot blonde he is always mentioning," The colleague throws the hammer that sinks Gertie's crush when he replies,"Well I am not sure what she looks like, but if he has been keeping busy with a hot blonde, I am sure his WIFE might have something to say about that, unless its her" I am sure the conversation continued for a few minutes but I really don't know what was said. All I felt was deflated, I was positive there had been no ring, I had two independent witnesses observe his hand.

So I resolve to no longer girlcrush on Covert D he is obviously out of the running. Although since he doesn't wear a ring and has a lot of sexual tension maybe his colleague could be wrong. He did say he hadn't met the wife....regardless Gertie is currently not trying to prowl or flirt with a married man at work. I guess we will have to redirect our efforts and focus on the next mission at hand.

TALKING TO MR. COFEEE......hopefully that Operation is a bit more successful.

Watch out for hammers!
Gertie XoXo

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Gertie almost throws a hammer at the movies

Movies are a popular dating options when getting to know someone. I don't advise going to the movies on a first date and generally not on the second date either, but occasionally you bend the rules. The real reason why going to the movies is frowned upon so early in dating/relationship is because there is little opportunity during the actual movie for interaction and to get to know the person. In contrast I am sure my male readers would say that movies are excellent dates because there is lots of opportunity for contact and kissing.

However if you are planning on catching a drink/quickbite after the movie it's a great way to get to know each other after a shared experience. So after coffee with Fred Flinstone he asked me if I wanted to catch a movie with him later in the week. Gertie touts on her online dating profile that she likes to share popcorn at the movies, so it's something that people often suggest to her. She really only declines the invitation if the movie sounds bad.

I once had a guy take me to Beauty & The Beast 3D on a date, and even though it didn't work out, Kudos to him for the romantic date notion. Secret Confession: Gertie is a huge fan of action movies, horror movies, and movies that make most women roll their eyes. She also likes chick flicks and romantic comedies but because growing up her primary movie going buddy was her Dad, her movie taste is somewhat skewed. As we previously learned,  Gertie also doesn't jump at scary movies.

'You don't want to see my movie pick, and I don't want to see yours so I think it's only fair that we see something neither of us wants to.'
Choosing a movie, Gertie Style!
Fred and Gertie meet early after work to attend a movie, he hadn't mentioned what they were going to see, but Gertie was sure she would enjoy it. She knew there were several movies she was interested in seeing. Fred assumed that Gertie would want to see the inevitable chick flick that was playing in the theaters and widely hyped on all social media outlets.  Fred almost struck out when they met because he didn't have a plan of what movie to see.... or a specific time. You know when you are at the theater and shows start within a half hour window and then it's two hours before more movies play. Well that is what is going on as they are trying to decide. Fred responded that Gertie could choose anything she liked and pointed out the start time for the over-advertised chick flick. Unbeknownst to Fred, Gertie had already seen that movie twice and had no interest in seeing it a third time. I only saw it twice because I had plans with two different sets of girlfriends and didn't want to decline either girls night because I had already seen the movie, so I went to both. Back to the task at hand, within thequickly closing window there was only an action movie and a teen house party flick left to see.... Gertie had also seen the action movie. Ok OK I see a lot of movies, but it was late in  winter and with the weather being mucky, it had been a popular activity. So Teen House Party Flick, and with a swipe of a card at the automated machine Gertie and Fred were off to see Project X.

While Project X is a funny movie, the previews included a lot of raunchy humor. I was not uncomfortable in the least, being a sailor's daughter but Fred kept blushing as the raunchy humor ensued. Skip ahead to the movie, there was much talk about trying to get laid, vulgarity, and teenage angst. Gertie was thoroughly laughing and enjoying herself and poor Fred just kept looking at Gertie to gauge whether he had blown his chance and she was offended. Then there was the bedroom hookup scene in the movie. I have never seen a man turn so ghastly white at the sight of sex, and sneakily look to see my reaction. I felt like I was watching a movie with my Dad, and he was covering my eyes....as if you were a five year old. A quick squeeze to Fred's hand and a smile seemed to wipe the tension from his face and he relaxed and begin to enjoy the flick. The movie was actually incredibly funny. I laughed more at that than I did the 21 Jump Street remake that came out about the same time.

As the chatted after the movie and strolled about the local town center they relaxed and Gertie saw alot more of Fred's personality shine through. Remember Fred isn't a glittering gem he is more of a diamond in the rough. There was something about him in his work clothes, a bit more polished and professional than his casual coffee attire that really made Gertie notice his handsome features. Everything was going well and then Fred told the most embarassing story about taking a Lady on a movie date and losing his car in the process. Apparently, Fred is notorious for misplacing things, especially where he parked. He proceeded to tell Gertie about an app you can install on your phone to prevent such a thing from happening. All was going well, but the time to end the date had come upon them. Fred offered to walk Gertie to the car and said that they had parked in the same garage. Turned out he hadn't used the parking app and he was wrong. Gertie, treating others as she liked to be treated decided to give Fred a lift the two blocks to where he actually parked. On the way there she made jokes about her bad driving and they talked about their great time. 

There is something Gertie hasn't told you about going on her first two dates with Fred, they were all an attempt to get an invite to a group that Fred belonged to.....more about that in the next blog. Yes Gertie knows this is wrong, but honestly she would have never accepted a coffee date except for that Fred held a key to enter a lair which she had been seeking admittance. Despite the great time they had at coffee, Gertie really just wanted an invite to the group event he was attending the next weekend or she would have never agreed to an early bird movie in the middle of the week but Gertie had her eye on a prize......

Fred invited Gertie to the group event she had wanted to attend and started making plans to meet her that Saturday. As she pulled up to the garage where he had parked his car she made some idle chit chat and expected him to get out of the car. There had been minimal touching at the theater and no attempt to goodnight kiss had happened so far, so our HandShake Heroine thought she was in the clear.....BUT OH BOY WAS SHE WRONG!!! Remember when Gertie told you not to give boys rides home, even if that meant the man had to wait in the rain. Well never let men into your car or your apartment unless you are ready for them to see it as an invitation to take things to the next level..... 

 As Gertie stopped in front of the garage Fred took the invitation to sit in her car as an invitation to invite himself into her mouth. In one foul swoop he leaned in for a hug and kissed her on the mouth. Gertie was shocked, she hadn't seen the date as being so romantic nor their relationship as being so familiar. Remember Dear Gertie is often a prude when first meeting a gentleman. As Fred kissed her, she felt  his tongue jamming against her lips, a foreign invader to her mouth had arrived, in lieu of relaxing and kissing him back our heroine clenched her jaw. The combination caused an ominous thing to happen.......FRED LICKED GERTIE'S TEETH. Then as if once were not enough, when she raised the hammer and pushed him back, before she could throw it he leaned in and did it again. Later on when Gertie makes fun of Fred for doing such a ridiculous thing he tells her his best friend told him ladies like their teeth licked. HOW ABSURD!!!! Gertie didn't want to lose her invite to the event that Saturday so she game him an incredulous look and wished him a good evening. She really wished she would have thrown a hammer at him, but something held her back

Until Next Time, 
Gertie XoXo

Ps We know that I didn't throw the hammer because Fred is still being posted about on this blog, sometimes I shock and amaze myself.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Sexual History Yes or No - Yeah it's a Blog Chain

One of my favorite bloggers, Ponyboy over at Marriage in the Bedroom has posted a sort of blog chain letter, which he encouraged us to repost. The interesting point here is that he provided explanations and answers. I think it would be funny just to write Yes or No and if you really want more explanation than message me or use the comments section. I think it is more like a bucket list, you either have or haven't, it's really that simple.... Or is it? Because I am so verbose and loquacious, I actually think it will be harder for me to just write yes or no. I encourage everyone to copy and repost if they would like to share their answers.... And here we go!



1. Have you ever had intercourse? Yes 
2. Oral Sex: Given or received an orgasm? Yes
3. Licked an ass? No
4. Had your ass licked? Yes
5. Stuck your tongue in their ass? No
6. Swallowed Cum? Yes
7. Practiced Bondage or BDSM ?  Yes
8. Had anal sex? No
9. Had an orgasm from anal sex? No
10. Ever squirted or made someone squirt? Yes
11. Had sex with someone of the same sex? No
12. Did a threesome? No
13. Did a foursome? No
14. Been in an Orgy? No
15. Been in a gangbang? No
16. Had sex in public? Yes
17. Snowballed (swapping cum) with someone? No
18. Had your toes licked or sucked? Yes
19. Licked or sucked someone’s toes? No
20. Had sex with more than one person (one on one only) in a day? Yes
21. Had sex with more than one person (one on one only) in a week? Yes
22. Had cyber sex or phone sex? Yes
23. Reached an orgasm? Yes
24. Watched porn? Yes
25. Bought a dirty magazine? Yes
26. Posted nude pictures of yourself on the net? No
27. Let someone video tape you having sex? No
28. Had sex without protection? Yes
29. Had someone give you a cum facial or gave someone a cum facial? No
30. Have you participated in any type of golden showers? No?
31. Have you let anyone or have you shit on anyone? No
32. Had sex with a friend’s significant other? No

33. Ever did one of your significant others friends or relative?
No
34. Have you ever cheated on your significant other? Yes
35. Made someone pass out from sex? Yes
36. Tasted your own cum? Yes
37. Masturbated? Yes
38. Let someone watch you? Yes
39. Ever showed yourself naked on cam? No
40. Had sex while on your period or while someone was on their period? Yes
41. Been ate or eaten someone? Yes ( I object to this question use of grammar)
42. Had sex with someone you knew less than an hour? Yes
43. Had sex in a vehicle? Yes
44. Been caught having sex? No
45. Paid for sex? No
46. Used toys during sex? Yes
47. Used food? Yes
48. Like pain from a little to extreme during sex? Yes ?
49. Ever been dominated in bed? Yes
50. Ever had a wet dream? Yes
51. Like to have your ass slapped during sex? Yes
52. Like having your nipples licked, sucked, or bitten? Yes
 53. Had sex with someone you didn’t know their name? No 
Now that you have read about my sexual deviancy, I encourage you to think about one more question. Would you answer all these questions honestly to a partner and how far into the relationship would you reveal the whole truth? I'm about up front honesty and think it's better to put it all on the table. That doesn't mean I think you should talk about your entire sex history on a first date, or before the first date, because most it will definitely get you the hammer, like Mr. Transportation.
Until Next Time, 
Gertie XoXo

Monday, July 2, 2012

Kreative Blogger Award & You Could Win One Too!

And sometimes even an ugly girl gets a drink... or a blind squirrel finds a nut/blind pig an ear of corn, etc. etc. Or a Silly Blogger wins an Award,  because for every person in the world there is someone that likes and appreciates you. So Thank you Lainey!! over at Lainey's Life Lessons for awarding this verbose blogger an award. Apparently someone out there likes what they are reading or wants someone else to read it... so she can stop being one of my only comments, however you look at it. :) Or it could be that we have known each other for over a decade, regardless of the reason, the blog love is much appreciated.

In order to accept this award you must answer 7 questions, reveal 7 facts about yourself, and bestow this gorgeous award on 7 incredibly lucky bloggers. Without further adieu....

The Kreativ Blogger Award is very prestigious as it was created in Norway and has traveled the globe to be awarded to little old me. It started with a blogger named, Hulda from Norway.

The original award looks alot different than the gray award that you see on the left. It also looks alot different than the award that I actually put on my page so feel free to desgin an award of your choosing or pick any of the logos from the web. If you want to read more about the history of Kreativ Blogger check out Terry Holiday's post here.

Back to the task at hand.....


The Questions:
1. What is your favorite song? 

"Wonderful Tonight" by Eric Clapton



I know that it is a bit old for my age box, but my Dad is a huge Clapton fan and it rubbed off.  And besides that I really think my favorite song changes constantly so this is an oldie but goodie.


but in addition I would like to share that this is my favorite Karaoke Song....







2. What is your favourite dessert?
Key Lime Pie on a Stick from the Blonde Giraffe in Key West, & feel free to send me some if you like.


3. What do you do when you're upset?


I talk it out and that is why I am so thankful for all my friends who are excellent sounding boards, and when all else fails I blog about it, those are some of the drafts you may never read.


4. Which is your favorite pet?
My beloved puppy, Grizzly, he is the best!!
The face this blogger fell in love with!!


5. White bread or whole meal?
Oatmeal, the  Pepperidge Farm kind is my favorite


6. What's your biggest fear?
My biggest fear is that there will only ever be a Mr. Right Now and that I have already missed my chance with Mr. Right.....mainly because of a horrible palm reading I had, but I just can't shake the feeling she was right.....


7. What's your attitude most of the time?
I am pretty funny and happy most of the time. Over the last two years there have been downs but when I am most myself I am happy, laughing and surrounded by people I love.


Fun Facts About Gertie:


1. Well as the photo above shows, I have an incredibly cute sidekick, aka my Havanese, Grizzly. But the fun fact that I am also willing to reveal is that his name is Grizzly el Oso de Guapo because he looked just like a bear cub when he I got him. He would know more aptly resemble Snuggle from the fabric softener commercials.


2. Although a heartbreaker to most  if we have just gone a few dates, in all serious relationships boys generally throw the hammer at me. I always want to work things out or think the dip is merely a setback to overcome.


3. I like to eat grapes with chopsticks.


4. I love to sing to the radio and can sing along to most tunes but rarely do I know the recording artist I am belting along to.


5. I love board games, even geek games....I find it to be a great stress relief.


6. I think the real reason why I am single is because I am secretly looking for a man like my father and he is simply one of a kind, or at least that's what I tell myself after a bad date.


7.  A way to my heart is not through your wallet it is more threw your manners, I am a sucker for a polite chivalrous man, bonus points if you can cook.


And the Kreativ Blogger Award Goes to......


Now I don't have a million reader and I appreciate when people make comments, but I do read alot of blogs. I have already listed blogs which I felt deserved awards here when I received the Liebster...


In general my blogroll tells you all my favorites...Lainey already nominated Ponyboy over at Marriage in the Bedroom, and he would be my 7th addition to the Liebster award. What I like most about his blog is all the open communication. He seems to have a great relationship with the Mrs. but even when he isn't talking about sex, wanting sex, having sex, memorable sex, I think he is always talking about intimacy and life as it exists in a real relationship. There are ups and downs


So my seven new nominess for the Kreativ Blogger award in no particular order are:


1 & 2. Kat & JJ to be found at Prowling with Kat & JJ Loves Kat, she surely doesn't need my recommendation with a huge following, a sex blog chain, and the fact that she is one of the Top Sex Bloggers on the web while he is her other man that lovers her but you should definitely check out her Prowlings if this is the first time you've heard about her. They have some of the hottest sex, posts, and followers on the web.  Another high note of Kat's blog is her perspective, she is a confident successful woman in her business and personal life, there are so many single girl blogs in the world, but I think Kat's is a perspective of what our lives could be like after we met Mr. Right and settled down, without settling who we really are. She is not a traditional June Cleaver, but she is a woman redefining her own rules in our modern society and that takes real strength.


3. Lois Lane over at My Affair with Ashley, showing newly single ladies what Ashley Madison  has to offer and being just as successful as any man. Besides who doesn't want to read about all the hotties out there in Gotham and Metropolis. To be fair, her blog is kind of new, but I just have this feeling we will see great things as her adventure continues so on that note, add her to your reading list and give her some blog love. 


4. Leah over at Late Starter Chronicles, she's British, she's nifty and she is very thought provoking. She talks about many topics from books, culture, hot men, and things that happen to women at every age. Looks like her blog may have gone private this week, but hopefully she will be back soon!


5. Another wonderful single blogger over at 36 and Single, I for the life of me don't thing she has a handle but I love reading about her online dating experience, Cutie, and how a single girls makes life choices at 36. I was referred to her blog through a post by Elle over at Sex and The Shitty (who btw I mentioned in my Liebster award blog, check her out!)


I know you are thinking that all I must read are blogs about dating, sex, and relationships but I also read alot of crafting blogs. My reading list is quite eclectic, lots of Prowlers and Mormon stay at home moms, oh the irony so for the last two slots on the Kreativ Blogger award, I am going to award two creative mommy bloggers.


6. Jess at Craftiness is Not Optional, you can read how to sew, craft, redecorate on a dime, and throw the cutest parties. I highly recommend her pink and grey baby shower and her ice cream recipes.


7. Natasha over at Little Pink Monster, she's not Mormon. She's just a fabulous mom who does creative arts and crafts for her house and kids. She gives interesting recipes, crafts, decorating tips, and she leads me to lots of crafting sources. If you have some time to kill you should definitely check out this lady blogger's work, She's amazing!!


And yet I still have so many people to award.....so big shout out to all of you whose blogs I comment on and read regularly. Thank you for sharing a bit of yourselves with us in the blogsphere.


Until next time, 
Gertie  XoXo