Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Gertie Throws a Hammer & Makes a Clean Break

Number 6 was so much fun while it lasted but I knew as Game Night with my friends approached and it became obvious I might have to include him, that we might be heading down different paths. Fun is always great in life but Gertie is looking for so much more, and while fun is good for awhile, without other interests....Gertie gets bored.

It just so happened that Gertie loves games, card games, board games, poker games, sometimes video games, but mainly games you can play in person with other people. She used to play poker with friends but these economic times have made the games less frequent. However it's not about the winning or the money for Gertie, it is more that she loves watching how other people think. She always thought about being a psychologist but then she realized she was more about observing than actually helping others with their issues. She only likes this interesting stories not the ones that would make you cry. Back to the issue at hand, Gertie discovered from dating The Virgin that not only did she like regular board game she was also intrigued and quite talented at Geek Games. What might the difference be between regular versus Geek Games, well let me show you. These are board games. They include games people can buy online or at any standard store, i.e. Target, Walmart, Toys R Us. The instructions are in English but sometimes unnecessary to play the game. Society is familiar with most of the games names. They are generally light with simple rules. They can range from classics like Life, Monopoly, and Clue and extend to Cranium, Trivial Pursuit, Apples to Apples. Regular games even include games that are based off pop culture like Sex and The City Trivia, Twilight Scene It, or The Simpson's version of Monopoly. What's your favorite board game?

These are geek games. They include large intricate instructions, sometimes they include role play, sometimes the instructions are in a foreign language. They involve cards, dice, and are not commonly found at your local retail stores. These games are purchased at Games Stores, online, and can sometimes be pricey. Not all geek games are pricey. Geek games tend to lean toward having expansions, exclusive specialty cards, upgrades, and protective sleeves. Rather that Geeks buy protective sleeves to protect their endeared games. Geek games are not generally well known, unless you are referencing that guy you went to high school with that plays Magic the Gathering.
By the way if that guy, The Magic Guy, is single and doesn't live at home with his mom, and gainfully employed,could you send him my number? Gertie's favorite geek game is Dominion, she may or may not own cards with protective sleeves. She may have limited edition cards and own an expansion game or two. She really can't confirm or deny this information at this time, but I am sure we will get to that when we learn more about Fred Flinstone in the upcoming weeks.

To be honest Number 6 invited himself to Game Night. It was not a normal night of the week that he and Gertie hung out. He asked her if she was free that night and she said she was having a Game Night with some friends. His response was, great I will be there at 5pm. Game Night actually started at 6pm and Gertie told him he didn't have to come but attend he did anyway.
On the day he invited himself to Game Night, Gertie introduced him to Phase 10. She wanted to view how his mind worked when entrenched in analytical thought. This was one of the determining factors of why he got cut loose. He had a hard time determining the rules and how they applied to him. Gertie caught him cheating at cards. She thought initially he was being coy or perhaps didn't understand the rules, but more realistically he just didn't understand the game.

Fast Forward to the night of the party, Number 6 arrived at 5:30 PM rather than 5 PM which didn't bother Gertie but did annoy her when in lieu of asking if he could pitch in he tried to make out with her when she was putting finishing touches on the evening. He didn't really interact with her first guest Maria, when she arrived. Gertie and Maria both tried to engage him in conversation but he seemed content to sit there like a bump on a log and stare aimlessly at the TV. When people arrived and people started playing games, he didn't really stand to meet people or engage in the action as it were. He did eventually after much prodding try a game and the rules were again lost on him in the moment. All the guest at the party Maria, Kathlene, two coworkers, and Rob all thought Number 6 was a biscuit. What is a biscuit you might say

Kathlene defines as being a biscuit head. Someone who is so challenged that concepts are over their head and lost on them. Imagine a day old biscuit who is no longer soft and fluffy but rather rock hard and even when you slam it on the table nothing gets through its flaky crust. Number 6 was a biscuit. As the party ended he commented that he was quiet and shy because there were just so many new people to get to know. He works in sales as his livelihood. If talking to people is how you make your money, than not being able to talk to strangers is going to be a problem moving forward. Despite my best attempts at being casual and being into fun and living in the moment. Gertie just couldn't settle for Mr. Right Now. She threw the Hammer at the Biscuit Head and surprisingly nothing boomeranged back, it was simply a clean break!

Watch out for Hammers!
Gertie Xo Xo

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Guest Blog:: Miss Off the Market

Today's post is from a Guest Blogger who is no longer entrenched in the single world, but she is a highly decorated Vet and so we appreciate her perspective.....

Internet dating is the modern-day bar scene for people out of college. It has its positives, and some very severe negatives. I moved to the DMV about two years ago fresh out of a relationship. So clearly, not knowing anyone and not wanting to date people I worked with I hit the scene running. I found out a few many things about men in the area and went a series of dates that ranged from hilarious to outright strange. To set the stage for this tale, at the time I had met and dated two people for a month or two each and rejoined post dating. The only problem with this was that I realized that over a 6 month period a lot of these men were the same ones I saw EACH TIME. There may be a few new additions, but oftentimes page after page were the same ones I might have dismissed time and time before for various reasons, all active within a few days before. So, seeing this as depressing and figuring this, my third time on since moving may be my last before a break to let the merchandise rollover a bit, I decided to sit down and really work on finding a gem in the rough… with a bottle of wine to drink alone. A few glasses in, I decided clearly I wasn’t casting my net far enough. I had pretty stringent search criteria so I deleted that and setup a search profile for 50 miles (in DC that’s the equivalent to a two hour drive on some days) and anyone qualified as long as they didn’t have children, smoked or were divorced (a girl still has to have some prequals). Lo and behold I was stunned to find many men outside my previous 15 mile range. And seeing a few drinks deep into this evening I decided to go on a wink-athon. This is colloquially known as when you max out your daily allotment of winks per guidelines. Somewhere along the lines I winked at a young gent’s profile that had very few pictures and even fewer words and broke the cardinal sin of using text talk in his profile. But one out of his three pictures made him look amazingly hot and he said he had a really cute dog. Hoping the picture was recent, and since the wine was flowing, I overlooked the ‘lol’ in his profile. The next morning, hung over and slightly mortified, I woke up to find many messages in my inbox. My wink-athon had been a huge success, but most messages were dreary and boring. But the young gent with the dog and text talk had put together whole sentences and wrote me a thoughtful message. He was smarter than his profile lead on, and seemed genuine and fun – but sadly lived 44 miles away in another state. A week deep into emails and chats – and once were my bitter attitude to dating almost made me stop talking to him, we finally decided to meet at a park to walk the dog. We planned on spending an hour, maybe two in the park and then calling it a day – but what was meant to be 2 hour date ended up being 9 hours and I went home giddy and losing my voice from talking and laughing all night. He called me first thing in the morning the next day, and took me out again that next night. One year later we are inseparable and are getting hitched in September. No other world could have brought us together except the internet dating sites. So all the creepers and bad table manners for the months before made this gem worth the wait and find; plus where else would there be an outlet for men to lie about their height?!

Miss Off-the-Market

Thank you Miss Off-the-Market for reminding all of us that there are Happily Ever Afters and you have to kiss a lot of frogs!

Monday, March 19, 2012

Updated Rules Targets and Dates March 2012

Updated Rules Targets and Dates as of March 2012

Every month I will evaluate how my rules and targets are going and revise if necessary, the update is going to occur midmonth keeping in the Gertie tradition.

Here are the original Rules and Targets and here is the Revised Version(Updates for this month are in bold):

Rules for Dating by Gertie:

1. Give everyone who asks a first date, after careful screening, they will all teach you something.

2. Google everyone before you're first date make sure they aren't a serial killer and their story checks out. (Mandatory, do not stray from this rule)

3. Give everyone that makes you laugh a second date, when you're old laughter will matter more than you know.

4. Give everyone your Google Voice number, shield your actual cell phone number.

5. Have an email address exclusively for online dating, don't link that email to anything else in your life.

6. Only give third dates to men who make you feel butterflies, no need to waste time.

7. Kissing on a first date is the exception not the rule, but sometimes kissing on the first date is exceptional.

8. See a man's place before you every invite him to yours.

9. Bring enough cash on a date to roll out if the need arises.

10. Honesty is a paramount quality, watch out for inconsistencies.

11. Ask every man what he is looking for and make sure we are on the same page by date three.

Male Targets:
1. Tall men who reach the top shelf - remember to subtract two inches from a listed height on an online dating profile.

2. Broad Men who give Great Hugs; subjective but necessary

3. Someone who doesn't want to hang out everyday, but who wants to hangout a few times a week.

4. Someone who is awesome and has friends that are awesome, bonus points if your friends would mesh well with my friends.

5. Someone who knows there way around a kitchen, bar, or a pantry. I like Men who can cook, bake, and especially craft an interesting cocktail or two.

6. Gentleman who remember the little things, without being asked and care about your well being.

7. Someone who makes you laugh, the type of laughter that explodes throughout your entire body.

8. Someone who loves their mom, sister, women in their life but in a healthy well adjusted way.

9. A Great Communicator.

10. Someone who likes to eat cake, and other applicable cake skills.

Status on the 17 Guys to Date in 2012 (even if their dates haven't been blogged about, yet!)
Dates Accomplished
Well we have already coverd number 5, 6, and 13, this month while there have been a lot of dates I really think we only knocked a few more off the list:

Technically through Pon Farr we have blogged about Number 4 but Gertie can’t check that off her list.

Gertie has gone on dates with Number 10, The Guy Online Who Actually Took The Time To Read Your Profile And Comment On It Thoughtfully. His profile picture is almost irrelevant. This guy gets a date just for making the effort that so many other dudes online do not. We’ll be reading more about Fred Flinstone in the next few blogs, but feel free to start reading about him here

Watch out for Hammers,
Gertie xoxo

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Guest Blog: Pon Farr Goes on a Date

Our Guest blogger returns, here to tell us about her first date, checkout the background story here. As always Gertie will comment in pink and add a little spice to the story.

First dates can be tricky, especially if it’s been a few years since you’ve been on one. FYI, it's been seven and a half years to be exact. Even more so, if you’re not sure if it’s a date or a friend thing. This is where I found myself last week. Mr. Hockey and I had been texting back and forth one night, when out of the blue he asked me if I wanted to go to a hockey game. I know that he happens to be a season ticket holder for this hockey team and takes our mutual married friend to games all the time. This is where texting sucks! You can’t read tone and intent in a text message. Had we just reached a level of friendship where he was comfortable taking me to the game as “one of the guys” or was he asking me out on a date? I didn’t have an answer to this question, but I was willing to go to the game to figure it out.

We agreed to meet at a neutral location near my home. It was a little out of his way as he normally goes straight from work to the game, but I took it as a good sign that he was willing to deviate from his routine to meet me and drive in together.(I personally feel and expressed at the time it was in his way to pick you up, as a gentleman should) I was dressed in a team jersey, boot cut jeans, and my favorite pair of Converse sneakers. I kept the make-up light, on the good advice of Gertie that more is less. In case I had misread the text and this was a friend thing, just some mascara and lip gloss. Mr. Hockey was in a polo shirt and jeans. His jersey was in the back seat and wouldn’t be worn until we reached the city. I caught a whiff of cologne as I got in the car and noticed that the baseball cap that normally rides his head every weekend was missing. I took these as more good signs that this was a date. Gertie thinks they may have something to do with coming from work, but applauds your optimism.

We chatted easily all the way into the city. That is the only way I can think to describe it, it was easy to talk to him. None of the first date nerves that normally make me babble like an idiot, no lapses into silence while we each tried to figure out what to talk about next, it was so easy. We have tons in common and the more we talked the more commonalities we found.

We arrived in the city and here is where having background information on him through mutual friends was a huge help. From the married friends, I knew that Mr. Hockey had a whole pregame ritual that he goes through for every home game. He goes to his favorite watering hole a block away from the sports arena, meets up with his game friends (the other season ticket holders who sit in his section), has a meal and a few beers, and then heads into the arena. I was expecting this to happen and it did.

We were the first in the group to arrive at the watering hole, so we ordered and settled in. Over the next forty minutes, a string of attractive single men between the ages of 28 and 38 strolled into the bar and over to our table. Next time can I get an invite for a predate drink, and most of them had girlfriends or fiancee according to the version I was told. Apparently, the watering hole closest to a sports arena is where all women should go to find attractive single men. I was completely surrounded by them! Plus, as many of them were friends and/or acquaintances of Mr. Hockey, they were all making an effort to talk to me (find out what I did for a living, where I lived, if I’d ever been to a game before, etc.). I noticed that Mr. Hockey got a little quiet when the group around the table got larger and handsomer, so I made an effort to hang back with him and observe more than take center stage.

There seemed to be a pattern to the way Mr. Hockey introduced me around. When introduced to close friends, it was “This is Pon Farr”. When he was introducing me to acquaintances, it was “This is my friend, Pon Farr”. The friend intro made me worry that we might be crossing over into “friends hanging out” territory. I think he should have introduced you as the love of his life, possibly his future wife....jk but the"friend label" is a little iffy IMO.

Eventually, it was time to head in to the game. Mr. Hockey called for the check and paid it before I even had time to reach for my purse, another point scored for this being a date. We departed before most of the crew and walked alone to the arena. Now, we were back to easy conversation and laughter. For all that Mr. Hockey loves being in the crowd at games, I think socializing in such a large group was a little taxing for him. I earned some bonus points when I shared with him that I had grown up living next door to a former player from his favorite hockey team and that my childhood experiences at hockey games were from sitting in the players’ wives and sweethearts section. I was the sweetheart, of course. I even have the former player’s autographed picture calling me his sweetheart.

Right before the game started, Mr. Hockey asked if I wanted a bottle of water as he was going to get one for himself. I said yes and he took off before I even had time to reach for the cash in my pocket. This was looking more and more like a date, what with him paying for everything (not that I always expect the guy to pay for everything on a date, but as date indicators go, that is a solid one). He returned swiftly with a cold bottle of overpriced water for each of us and the game began.

I immediately noticed that Mr. Hockey went into “the zone” during the game. Conversation was out the window unless I was able to quote hockey statistics with accuracy and insight, which of course his game friends could do. The game friends were discussing the players, the coaches, the opposing team’s season, et cetera and I was left out. It was really starting to get on my nerves when the period ended and Mr. Hockey reverted to a normal human capable of non-hockey related conversation. As I had almost finished my water during his time “in the zone”, I took the opportunity to head to the ladies room and apparently missed one of his favorite parts of the game, when little kids from a local hockey team are allowed onto the ice during intermission for a brief exhibition game.

Mr. Hockey shared his vision of someday seeing his kid down there playing in the kiddie exhibition game and I softened towards him enough to overlook his behavior in the first period. However, when the second period began he went back into “the zone”. By this point, I was thinking “To hell with it, if he’s going to ignore me then I’m going to ignore him and enjoy the game.” I have been told by some that my behavior at sporting events can get a bit boisterous. I have a mean whistle that I bust out to cheer on my teams which makes my brother’s ears ring. Plus, I’m not the type of girl who sits there asking what happened because I don’t know anything about sports. I can keep track of the players, follow the score, and cheer accordingly.

This was the turning point in the date, though I didn’t realize it at the time. The more vocal I got in cheering on the team, the more Mr. Hockey started talking to me and ignoring his friends. The more I squealed and screamed at ever save the goalie made, the more smiles of approval I got from the game friends. Before I knew it, two things had happened. One, I was legitimately having fun with Mr. Hockey at the game and two, I was being included in the high fives and group celebration after every goal the home team scored. I guess I just needed to relax a little and let my inner sports fan loose. Um Gertie would like to point out here from the first blog that he enjoyed you cheering for your team while watching football, so watching you scream like the sports fan that you are is a turn on for him, DUH! Besides everyone loves a little team spirit.

Apparently, the game friends conferred at some point without my knowing and okayed my future attendance because by the end of the second period, I was asked back for a second game. I found this surprising considering our team was losing and knowing how superstitious Mr. Hockey and the game friends were about changes in routine. I had secretly feared that if the team lost I would be labeled a jinx and never invited to another game.

The game ended in an overtime loss and I walked out of the stadium and back to the car with a saddened Mr. Hockey. During the drive home, Mr. Hockey started asking more pointed questions about me, filling in some of the details we still hadn’t learned about each other. Another good sign, he was curious about me. We arrived back at the parking lot where I had left my car earlier and the date ended with an “I had a great time tonight,” but no goodnight kiss. The man took months to ask you out, do you really think he's a closer? I think you should have mentioned that he left before you started your car and was not as chivalrous as a gentleman should be. Albeit he may have been nervous, Gertie throws hammers at boys that leave girls in an abandoned parking lot at night. Apparently, Mr. Hockey moves slowly, really slowly. But that is a blog for another day.

Until the second date....Watch out for hammers,

Gertie & Pon Farr

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Gertie Throws a Hammer Before the First Date

Oh Batphone, how I love thee, let me count the ways. For all of you who have yet to jump on the bandwagon, I highly recommend Google Voice. It's an excellent way to have an alternate number you can use for dating, texting, business, and to keep your phone number portable. It's also an easy way to block contacts when you are through with them, i.e. send them to SPAM. Normally I am writing about dates that have happened in the past, but today I am taking time to write about something that happened last night which I just can't shake. It was possibly one of the most shocking phone calls of my life, mainly because I have no idea what the person on the other end of the line was thinking as the diarrhea poured from his mouth.

We'll call him Mr. Transportation. He originally listed his job as Entertainment, which made me think he was some type of exotic dancer but turns out after lengthy conversation that he had a CDL and had driven everything from school buses to Greyhounds, to actual tractor trailers. Let me clarify from the start that had he told me about his career from the start, it would have most definitely been a dealbreaker. But let me get back to the story at hand where the Batphone saved my life. Mr. Transportation was 35, divorced, and listed himself as living in a slightly affluent suburb nearby. He seemed funny and initially I was going to give him a date because in his ask he offered to take Gertie shooting. Upon discussion with a few of the inner circle it seemed like writing about a date at the shooting range seemed fun, so Gertie should give it a try.

Gertie called Mr. Transportation using her bat phone to talk about setting up the date. He had said he was available so she should call when she was done running around town. Immediately the phone call which was supposed to be about setting up a dinner date and some gun toting turned into the Story of Mr. Transportation's life.

He told Gertie of his marriage, divorce, that he really didn't live where his profile listed him, where he worked. Turns out he worked for Greyhound but thought it was considered entertainment because he often took people to entertainment venues and got to participate in their fun. Don't worry he told me spouses and girlfriends can often come too. Several times during the conversation Mr. Transportation (oh heck, let's change it to Mr. T.) referred to our upcoming future, if things worked out, if we got married, when I met his mom. By the way this phone call lasted for about an hour and I never knew I could learn so much about someone from without being a Private Eye.

Mr. T then started talking about how he thought Gertie was disinterested because she didn't accept his initial ask last week. She has simply told him she already had plans. He told her he liked all kinds of women. In the time since he thought Gertie might not work out he had engaged in a chat or conversation with a varied amount of women. He described these womens' looks, their ethnicity, and their personas to Gertie on the phone. Then he told her that he was glad it seemed like Gertie was going to work out because she was the top filly in contention. He then moved to talking about exclusivity and how he was a one woman type of man. He asked Gertie if she liked flowers and what were her favorite kind, hinting he would be bringing them on their date.

He continued to tell me about his hobbies, tattoos, and sports teams. If he asked me a question and my answer was contrary to his in regards to one of these arenas, he would follow up with, "Well Opposites Attract!" He also asked Gertie if she was a good kisser and whether she was affectionate. Why do men ask women these questions? Why don't you just take a girl on a date and kiss her? If she is affectionate and kisses you back and you like it you have your answer. I don't really give polls after I kiss to see if the other person gave me a ten. Have you ever had the feeling of impending doom but not been able to avoid the situation? That's where this phone call was heading. I could see that this was headed in a bad direction but I just couldn't hang up the phone.

Mr. T then started to tell Gertie that he lived with his parents. He touted that he hoped this wasn't a deal breaker, that he was a basement dweller in his mother's home. He said it was because one of his parents was dying and he helped care for them, but he couldn't answer what was the ailment.

He proceeded to ask Gertie if she felt like Pizza Hut or Golden Corral are acceptable first dates? He preempted that questions by asking her if she wanted to join him for a Seafood Buffet. He said that he was stepping up his game since another young lady had told him Golden Corral and Pizza Hut weren't places to take Ladies you were trying to woo. He further lamented that he wasn't made of money and these other ladies just seem so high maintenance. I don't really think I accepted a date with him I just shockingly mumbled and attempted to get off the phone. He texted me an address to meet him Friday at 6pm. I never really agreed to the date. He just kept talking. At some point he said tell me about you, but then he kept rambling on about himself. He told Gertie he had been stood up recently by another date. He had not had alot of luck lately with the ladies. He told me that there was one girl he thought he had chemistry with but it hadn't really worked out.

I don't know if it was because I am a glutton for punishment or because I am a fool but I let the man keep talking and that's were our phone call really gets interesting. He starts telling me that he met a lady from a land slightly South of where we reside. The place is a little trashy, to be polite. The young lady and he kept trying to setup dates but she had a very busy schedule. She was going to be in the area, where he lives. Here is where he mentions that he really doesn't live in the posh suburb but actually a modest neighborhood nearby. Not a huge issue, just that he had previously mislead me. SO as it turns out the young lady of Mr. T's was going to be staying at a local hotel in the town which he lives and so since she was there for the weekend they should meet. But the issue at hand is that she has a lot to do while in town so she isn't sure of the time they should plan their get together. Mr. T tells Gertie this story is shocking it made him think about women, sex, and relationships differently. It frightened him from online dating and made him run out and get an STD test. This make Gertie think then why are you sharing this with me on the phone?, but I digress. He continues by telling me that this young lady was in town with her bi friend, she confessed to him that they are swingers. She tells him about the fun of the lifestyle. She apparently tells him that you cannot catch STDs from swallowing cum. Yes Mr. T just said swallowing cum to me on the phone. I wanted to hang up but I had to hear how this outlandish story was going to end. Turns out the young lady had a hotel room in town because she and her friend had setup an ad on Craigslist seeking 15 young suitors to have group sex with, or as Mr. T delicately put it a gangbang. Yes you heard me right folks, this "Nice" man who has mislead me about his career, location, and wants to take me to dinner is now telling me about a gang bang on the phone. He continues that it ends up no one showed up for the gang bang and the girls were very disappointed. He and his friend Tito decided to cheer them up. By the way I will meet Tito soon, if I become his girlfriend, according to Mr. T. Then he and Tito took the ladies to ice cream and to cheer them up Tito told the young lady she could give him a hand job..............SERIOUSLY!!! Then he says the young lady got very upset and demanded to be driven back to the gang bang motel all the while asking me why she would be offended. Tito was simply trying to help the girls out.

Then he told me simply because the swingers rode in his car he got an STD test. I asked him if he knew STD's weren't airborne diseases and he said just being in her presence made him feel dirty. He assured Gertie nothing had transpired with the young lady but Gertie is hesitant to believe that is the case. I am not sure about everyone but to Gertie this was a laughable story. These are stories told after many gazillion dates when you know you have hooked a keeper. These are not first phone call conversation. These are stories you only admit when you are drunk or when your buddy Tito retells them in an attempt to embarrass you.

Gertie ended the phone call. Mr. T tried to confirm if they were on for Friday. Gertie declined she said she had gotten to know him plenty and in this case Opposites did not attract! Hammer Thrown! As Gertie blocked his number on her Batphone and knew she would never hear from Mr. T again, she said a little prayer for modern technology and the invention of Google Voice!

*****UPDATE: Received a text from Mr. T yesterday confirming we had a date from Friday. I responded telling him that we had no such plans, we were not a good match and I wished him luck finding someone more compatible in the future. He proceeded to call and text me for three hours last night. The number of call attempts were inumerable. Here is the voicemail he left me as evidence that this insanity really does exist in the world, fyi I never called him any names, those are his own self deprecating statements.********

Watch out for Hammers!!
Gertie XoXo

Monday, March 12, 2012

Gertie turns coffee into a competitive sport

Shocking as it may seem, considering my post about coffee dates I have reluctantly gone on a few of late. As Spring has sprung a little early this year, there has been a myriad of suitors coming out of the woodwork online to work there way into my dating lineup. In order to keep up with such a busy schedule, Gertie has been accepting lots of interesting dates and leaving no rocks unturned on her search for Mr. Right.

I still believe that Dinner is about the business of romance, but when weeding through a lot of applicants, giving a few suitors cheap auditions makes a lot of sense. I'll be honest from the start, Today we are going to hear about two coffee dates one that went well and one that got the hammer.

Let's begin
with coffee with Fred Flinstone. Fred was a wonderful guy, a recent MBA grad who touted his academia on his online dating profile. He exchanged multiple messages with Gertie before ever revealing his name. Finally Gertie just started calling him Fred because one of his profile pictures contained a picture where he was pictured by the Caveman and they shared a resemblance. She also signed the email Yabba Dabba Do! After this occurred twice, Fred actually proffered his real name. Gertie, Maria, and their friends still like to refer to him as Fred. Gertie and Fred agreed to meet for coffee because Fred was incredibly anxious to meet Gertie and she was already booked for dinner for most of the weekend. They met in a equidistant location in a Starbucks she had never ventured to. When Gertie arrived she was anxious because coffee is such a tricky date. You generally pay for your own cup of Joe. Fred actually approached Gertie as she was ordering her green tea. He waved off her attempt to purchase her own tea and paid with cash in a gentlemanly fashion. Chivalry amongst her dates is always greatly appreciated by Gertie, although the gesture was small it is the little things in life that count the most. Prior to paying however Fred had sized Gertie up being quite tall and slightly intimidating, it was slightly awkward and uncomfortable. It was weird to be sized up at the beginning of their meeting. It felt more like a meat market than a coffee shop.

Gertie had a great time with Fred. He did reveal in their conversation a bit too much about himself or more so his family. It has been a common theme amongst Gertie's dates recently, that they reveal way too much personal information on to Gertie on their dates. Gertie is going to work this talent as a joke into her dating profile and see if the suitors pick up on it. But back to Fred, Gertie knows about all his siblings, their work history, marital status, and their deep dark secrets. Gertie loves to hear dates talk about their families and their relationships with their families, but Gertie prefers to hear more about her actual dates. Included in Fred's family gossip was that his mother lives close by, he grew up living with his Dad. His Dad seemed to be an interesting character with five kids, just as many ex wives, and a side of philandering for good nature. In addition some of his siblings have spent time in jail. (Note to suitors: This is a scary fact to reveal on a date.)

After ten to fifteen minutes of interesting conversation Gertie flipped the script
and added an icebreaker to the date. She asked if Fred, a fellow game enthusiast, was up for a rip roaring game of Phase 10 and then she pulled the scintillating game from her purse.He eagerly agreed although, he had never played before so she gave him a few practice rounds before they started keeping score. Gertie then proceeded to happily mop the floor with him, as he enjoyed a second cup of Joe. The distraction of playing cards, really got the information flowing. Gertie learned a lot more about Fred. Fred was from the Centennial State. He changed majors often in college and he was on the Van Wilder plan. However after a lot of time meandering through undergrad he rocketed through an MBA in a little less than a year. He talked about some games he enjoyed. His cross country road trips and his current job. Gertie was laughing so hard she barely caught the time. The didn't agree to go out again as she quickly departed to meet her friend, but she hoped he would call. In predictable Gertie style she offered a quick handshake and danced away from her date. Our heroine, embodying social awkwardness one first date at a time, shook Fred's hand and assured him it was her signature move, little did he know about the hammer.

Before the night was over Fred had texted Gertie and asked if they could do something more date like soon. Coffee was not the business of romance in Fred's opinion either. Their story is just beginning. Maybe on our next date we will give Fred a Number.

Our second coffee fellow we will call Mr. Hot Tub, he lives local to Gertie's residence. He wanted to meet and she was slightly skeptical of the chemistry, so coffee seemed like a great idea. They met at the local coffee shop. Gertie rarely frequents coffee shops, but in the hopes she wouldn't run into anyone she knew, she picked the least popular one in town.

Mr. Hot Tub was very aggressive, he hugged Gertie upon meeting and lingered a l
ittle too long for her liking. He didn't pay for her coffee but he kept her company why they waited for their cups of Joe. They sat at a table by the window and he seemed to twitch alot and fidget while they were talking. He kept brushing her knee under the table or her hand on the table. Gertie was trying to get to know him as a person through words. Apparently Mr. Hot Tub was more about experiencing our Heroine's topography in touch than who she was as a person. She smiled sweetly and asked him to keep his hands to himself, as she scooted her chair a little farther back from the table. She told him that she appreciated an affectionate suitor but felt it was better to get to know each other first.

Mr. Hot Tub was very into himself, his car, his house, his hot tub. He had pictures of himself online with all those things in his online profile. From meeting him, Gertie noted that all the photos were slightly outdated. His pictures probably showed him when he purchased the items. In reality he had about five years on all his photos. He kept inviting Gertie to join him in activities at his house. He kept mentioning that he had a hot tub. He mentioned several times that his interest in Gertie extended beyond her beauty. He was really just so amazed that someone so beautiful lived so close. Gertie thought the whole compliment and aggressive invitation was strange.

He asked her if she lived alone and what street she was close to. Gertie not wanting to be followed home, raped, or have her face worn as a mask declined all questions. She was in the process of ending the date, when she was rescued. Two male acquaintances Gertie knew walked into the coffee shop and upon their arrival and her introduction to Mr. Hot Tub, he really started acting squirrely. She told her friends she would see them later in the week and she told Mr. Hot Tub that she was on her way. He chased her outside and wanted a hug to end the date. Gertie stopped him and told him that
there had been enough touching in her opinion and the date was over. Unable to take the hint and with our heroine not yet winding up her arm for the hammer, Mr. Hot Tub invited Gertie to his place for a special tour of his hot tub time machine. Gertie declined by throwing the hammer and walking away. She really had wasted enough on her time on this molester. As the hammer landed upside Mr. Hot Tub's head he still hadn't gotten the point, he shouted across the parking lot. Hey! Wait, was it something I said? To be honest it really wasn't anything he said, it was more who he wasn't and that was simply that he wasn't a gentleman.

We will have an update from Pon Farr on her fabulous first date later this week but until then...

Watch out for hammers!
Gertie XoXo

Friday, March 9, 2012

Guest Blog: Pon Farr joins us for a new perspective

Joining this week in the land of spears and hammers will be a guest blogger, affectionately nicknamed Pon Farr. She is a gorgeous auburn heroine but alas she only deigns to enter the dating world once every several years. Hoping that her trends have changed Gertie is inviting her to join our blog and tell her adventurous single tales for all to enjoy. Gertie will post these blogs for Pon Farr but promises to add her only little comments in pink, after all I still might throw a hammer!

The Tale of Pon Farr

Wow! I feel like a successful blogger now that I’ve been asked to write a special guest blog. I’m really making a name (or in this case a pseudonym) for myself. Normally, I wouldn’t have much to contribute to a blog about online dating. I have nary a or e-harmony account to my name. In fact, I am somewhat phobic about the whole idea of online dating. (Thus her Pon Farr nickname) Putting myself out there for total strangers to judge based solely on a picture and a paragraph is definitely not my style. I’d much rather be judged based on my writing style and grammar.

One of the only fights Gertie and I have ever had in fourteen years of friendship was over the time she created an e-harmony account for me without my knowledge. (Mea Culpa, and besides I didn't put your picture up and that one guy was really cute) She told me we were taking a Cosmo quiz and asked me all the questions on the e-harmony questionnaire one afternoon when I had come over to cheer her up from her last major break-up. I should have known something was up when she wouldn’t let me see the laptop screen. I don’t know what made me more upset, the fact that she created the account for me without asking or the fact that she forgot my age and made me a year older than I actually was at the time.(I blame the breakup on my inability to do math correctly)

Anyway, online dating is not for me, but I am here today to remind all you singles that the computer is not the only way to meet people. I recently began dating someone that I met (gasp) in person through friends. That’s right. I had actually met this man before we went on our first date together. We had actually had conversations face to face on multiple occasions before he even asked me out. How weird is that? (If this was a blog that counted in 17 guys to date this would count as Number 4.)

As a singleton with a friend group composed primarily of other singles (Could you introduce me to your single friends?), I had never had much success meeting anybody I was interested in dating. If anybody brought a new guy around to hang out with the group, it was usually because some friend of mine was dating him. Sloppy seconds are highly frowned upon within our crew.(but this one time.....oh well, that's for another blog) So, I had kind of given up on meeting anybody through friends.

A few years ago, I became good friends with a co-worker. She was married with kids and her life seemed very far removed from my own single existence. But, we had a lot of fun together, so I started hanging out over at her house and with her family. Her husband is a rabid football fan and they host weekly football parties from August through Superbowl Sunday. The first time I attended one of these football fiestas, I could have shot her. Couples everywhere! I was teasing her that she had forgotten to tell me I needed to bring a significant other to blend in with the natives when she informed me that I was incorrect. There was one other single woman and one single man present. I had mistakenly assumed that they were together because they had been football buddies for so long that they argued like an old married couple.

The single guy in question is a very funny man. He made me laugh till my sides hurt. The kind of laughter where your face is bright red, you can’t breathe, and you are silently shaking between gasps for air. Can you suffocate from laughing too hard? Well, I almost did. His team was playing in the first game and my team was playing in the second game. All the couples headed for home after the first game, but he stayed because as he said, “You sat through my game and helped me cheer on my team. The least I can do is return the favor.” Did I mention he’s a pretty sweet guy? After watching me in my full game-day lunacy (cheering, yelling, and knuckle biting), he wasn’t scared off. We chatted for a while after the game ended and headed out on our separate ways.

I asked my friend about him at work the following day and she told me how he was a friend of the family and they’d known him for years. I told her that he seemed like a nice guy and let the matter go. But, I was interested. I made sure I turned up for football the following Sunday and much to my chagrin, he wasn’t there. Watching football with all the married couples didn’t really appeal all that much, so I took a pass on the next few weeks of football.

Fast forward a few months and it’s New Year’s Eve. My married friend was having a New Year’s party. There were movies, food, and some truly horrendous karaoke that night. Bless his heart, the single guy can’t carry a tune with two hands and a bucket. We sang a duet to some song which to this day I can’t remember the name of, possibly because my mind is protecting me from the horror of the memory. At midnight, I teased my friend for texting me happy New Year’s when we were in the same room. The single guy asked me for my number and then proceeded to send me a Happy New Year’s text, too.(I'd like to interject the version I was previously told where the man had to ask you three times for your number and you were being a hold out. Way to play hard to get Pon Farr, go team!) We stayed up talking until long after the married friends had gone to bed. We’d each had a little too much to drink and I was offered the spare bedroom, while he took the couch. Since he had imbibed considerably more than I had, he was still snoring away on the couch when I left early the next morning.

After that, I would get a text on Sundays from the single guy or my married friends’ husband asking if I was coming over for football. My friends’ husband would text me to say that the single guy was looking sad all alone on the couch and was I coming over to keep him company. It was all very high school and yet very cute.

The single guy and my friend’s husband are both bloggers. I started my blog after reading and having fun commenting back and forth between their blogs. After six months of Sunday football, holiday parties, commenting back and forth on each other’s blogs, and hour long text messaging conversations, the single guy finally asked me out. And here is why you are reading about this dating adventure on Gertie’s blog and not my own: the single guy is a follower of my blog. (Feel free to message Gertie if you'd like the link to Pon Farr's blog, hint hint it's on my blog roll and mentioned in this post) The man already has more than enough insight into my head from my blog and I don’t think I could write about the good, the bad, and the funny from our first date if I knew he was going to be reading every word like a performance review.

Now you have the backstory, next time the first date.

We hope you have enjoyed this lovely guest post, remember to comment and give Pon Farr some love!!

Watch out for hammers!

Pon Farr & Gertie