Friday, January 6, 2012

Gertie Throws Hammers at Boys who are divorced

Now before you all guffaw at the title, I am not changing my resolution to try and date a nice divorcee who understand about commitment (See #14.) I am simply stating the initial experience Gertie encountered when dipping her toe in the divorcee waters.

Let's call him the Lawyer, but really he was many things divorced, an Orioles fan, liberal, runner, DND fanatic, somewhat of a gentelman/playboy, a twitter fiend, a Comi/Game/Sci-Fi Con attendee, and he seemed like a nice guy. The reason why we threw the hammer was the character flaw that broke the camel's back.

And speaking of camels, I saw this really funny joke yesterday....come on indulge me for a minute. Do camels ever look down at their feet and say, Wow I have a vagina toe? But back to the Lawyer.

The Lawyer was tall blond with blue eyes and a devilish grin. He was an older man who probably wanted to be a playboy in his younger years but he played Dungeons and Dragons, and it was before nerds were cool. I am pretty sure he was really good at playing D&D because in the version he played now he was the moderator.....I think they call those guys the DM, but nowadays he mainly plays Pathfinder. Well now we know he is a supreme nerd, but Gertie has a soft spot for nerds, so I digress.

In his first attempt to contact me I ruled the Lawyer out because he was separated, I always think separated guys are really cheaters. Maybe I should judge less. But the lawyer was persistent and he seemed pretty articulate. I let him email me and I returned the correspondence. I waited quite a while to agree to a date. I asked him a lot of questions. I found out who he was, or at least who he portrayed himself to be online. I'm a bit of a stalker, but that's for another post. As we discovered in the Rules we should all Google our dates.

Everything checked out about his story and I agreed to meet him.

Date One:We met for dinner at a medium casual restaurant. I actually did some shopping beforehand and bought some really awesome shoes. I ended up showing him the shoes at the end of the date. He was early, had already gotten a table and met me at the door of the restaurant to escort me in. It was actually a really nice date. There's something about dating older guys, most of the time there's a little more chivalry involved. The lawyer had qualities that reminded me of a couple of my targets but he also had some red flags. Red Flag number one, he talked a lot about his soon to be ex wife. I kind of thought he was still pining for her or maybe he had some unresolved guilt. He was Catholics and sometimes Catholic guilt is a hard thing to work through. He told me about his family, life, and how he had gotten to be where he was. We had similar taste in reading and movies. He was a little more outdoorsy than Gertie. However, if it didn't bother him that I was a rustic cabin girl as opposed to pop up tent girl, I wasn't going to point it out. Before the meal was over I had agreed to go out with him again. Red Flag Number Two came after this when he told me he had lied on his profile and was actually 2 years older than his listed age, not a deal breaker (the age not the lie) but it struck me as odd. I asked him if he didn't know how to change the mistake, he did but just hadn't gotten around to it. LOL - Yeah Right! He walked me to my car and when he tried to kiss me I had this twinge. I told him I don't kiss on first dates. Now that I think about it, I am uninterested in kissing on first dates when I am generally not interested in the person but at the time I hadn't come to that realization. Note to self Gertie, trust your gut!

Date Two: We went shopping(his suggestion) I helped him pick out shoes and maybe a shirt, I can't remember. I thought it was strange but it seemed like maybe he hadn't done these things for himself in a while and appreciated the opinion. He kept offering to buy me something, but Gertie is not really into being bought. We went to dinner and then a movie. While we were waiting for the movie we walked around a scenic area close by and talked about what lead us to online dating, was it our first foray, etc. Movie was great it was an action movie, I love those! I am not scared by guns, aliens, or bad guys. Apparently men take you to those movies to comfort you and hold your hand when you're scared....Gertie missed this lesson in being Girly 101. A little disappointed I didn't jump at the scary parts, I let him hold my hand none the less. We kissed at my car and it seemed innocent. Why was this nice guy getting divorced? I had to investigate this wolf in sheep's clothing I had a feeling the Lawyer was too good to be true.

Before Date between Date Two and Three we are both out of town for vacations and such but we keep in touch. We become Facebook friends at his insistence, but I am slightly nervous about it. I don't normally let dates who aren't my boyfriend become Facebook friends. ABORT- This is a mistake ladies, take it from Gertie, this is not something to do!!! But we learn something from this mistake, fellow single adventurers so in this instance it did have some value. From being his Facebook friend we learn the Lawyer had a beautiful wife. A wife who was petite and shaped alot like our gorgeous heroine. In a way these similarities unnerved Gertie, from these Facebook discoveries Gertie had to know more about his past.

Date Three: We head to a baseball game. Gertie being an expert at investigating her Targets meets the Lawyer at his place so they can head to the game together. She doesn't go inside but she checks out the neighborhood and general ambiance. He asked if she wants to come up and see some collection or doodad before they head out, she declines but says maybe when they get back. At the game there is so much laughter, Gertie feels incredibly smitten. There is so much fun shouting for the home team, and then they win, and the Lawyer and Gertie celebrate. They walk about and decided to have dinner before heading home. Gertie forgets to ask all the questions she had wanted about his divorce because of all the fun she was having. At the end of dinner, Gertie remembers when the Lawyer mentions his soon to be ex wife and dividing property, all her curiosity returns.

On the ride home, brave Gertie bites the bullet and asks the Lawyer a few questions. Our brave heroine goes where no woman has gone before in this date, she explores the Lawyer's past.
She asks how long he was married, how lone they were together, how long they've been separated, and when will their divorce will be final? She has gotten partial answers to some of these questions before but now she explores them more substantially. Turns out that you should only ask questions that you really want the answers to. The Lawyer and his wife were together dating and married for more than a decade, they are already divorced as of this blog, but the real question that broke the camels back was the reason they were getting divorced. The Lawyer was a CHEATER!!! As nonchalantly as you would order coffee at Starbucks, the lawyer explained his past.

He cheated on his beautiful wife for their entire relationship, for the ten years they were married and for a while before they got hitched. According to him he needed more sex so he looked for it outside the relationship. Men always make excuses and blame their wives in these scenarios but Gertie sees past this logic. The beautiful wife forgave him many times but after more than a decade of infidelity she decided she had enough. He had been cheating on her by posing as a single guy on online dating site. The same site Gertie met him on. One of his suitors got wise through Googling him and discovered he was married. (Even further cementing that a little online stalking is necessary.) When the Lawyer tried to apologized to the suitor and mail her an apology gift the package was returned to his house where his wife opened it. He told Gertie that he had a problem being honest and it had cost him his last relationship. He was seeking counseling to correct his problem, it had caused him alot of problems with his family and his personal life. Remember the Red Flags?!?!?! They were the first clue the honestly problem was unresolved.

After a few minutes of awkward silence and while our heroine was considering jumping out the window on the highway, the Lawyer changes the subject and started talking about another date. Gertie was flabbergasted. She continued in idle chit chat while reconciling all the details that had been laid before and folks she spared you quite a few details. When they arrived at the Lawyer's abode, he invited her in to see the previously mentioned collectible/doodad. She hesitated and felt bad when this devious man told her it hurt his feelings that since he had been so honest she had changed her demeanor once he shared his past. Gertie felt like she was throwing a hammer and maybe it was without merit. She went upstairs to see the trinket but after five obligatory minutes she dashed. She practically ran for the door because the truth was too much for her, she saw the look of sadness flash across the Lawyer's face as she dashed.

Real men don't lie about their age or cheat on their wives. Gertie made plans to see the Lawyer again and as a woman of her word she kept them, but her feelings had changed. After their next date Gertie threw a hammer at the Lawyer and in his mind crushed his heart. When she broke it off he sent her the song lyrics to No Myth by Michael Penn complete with an explanation of how the song applied to their brief experience and she didn't have the change to get to know him. But you see fellow adventures, Gertie did get to know him and she got to know that he was no sheep or nice guy but actually a wolf, a playboy, a liar, a cheat and those are not for Gertie!

Gertie's Targets are real men!

Watch out for Hammers,
Gertie xoxo


  1. Every hammer thrown teaches us a lesson. The lawyer taught you to go with your gut and maybe to pay closer attention to the red flags. Lesson learned, Lawyer, thank you for the education.

  2. Thank you for reminding us some people are single for a reason tambien....