Saturday, December 24, 2011

All Gertie wants for Christmas

Dear Santa,

Well this time last year I was hoping for a ring for Christmas but since that frog has jumped the pond I would like to update my holiday wish list.

Although I have some prospects(to be blogged about later) what I'd really like for Christmas is a man! No need to wrap him in a big red box or place him underneath the tree, I'd really just like a man who adores me for Christmas.

I'd prefer a model who was handsome, charismatic, and liked to eat cake. But I'd settle for funny, smart, and has skills.

I'd like to say I'd been good this year, but let's face it...I've been naughty! What's a single girl on the prowl to do? So when you are filling up stockings this year and placing gifts under the tree, leave something a little special for me.

In addition I understand that this may be a little short notice, so feel free to drop him off anytime between now and Valentine's Day. I know your elves are busy and there's no need to rush.

Being Nice is Overrated,
Gertie xoxo

Monday, December 19, 2011

For your holiday enjoyment, Gertie throws hammers at boys who bring their moms on dates.

Always one to give you a good laugh before the holidays, I'd like to share now how I threw a hammer and an elbow at a boy who brought his Mom on our date.

Somewhere between the Rockstar and present day times. I exchanged emails with a gentleman whose name was Jason. Jason seemed like a nice guy, government job, CWMAM. What is CMAM you might be asking?I am always a fan of a stocky man, it leads to better hugs and an greater opportunity to steal their t-shirts to sleep in. CMAM is a term I saw used in one of those gentleman's online dating profile, it means Chubby Man Animal Magnetism. Don't be alarmed, Gertie doesn't really discriminate she likes all men with animal magnetism but she gives the chubby ones an extra gold star.

Back to Jason he was average height, had CMAM, and mid/late twenties in pictures looked like a rather good time. We exchanged quite a few emails and this was back in the times when I would talk to someone for a longer period of time before meeting on line. We decided to meet at a middle location for dinner. I was excited because this particular place had the most amazing pretzel bread and brewed their own beer. I had already instituted the no phone number in advance rule, so I knew when I arrived I would have to look around for Jason. I was also coming down with a cold, so even though I wanted to cancel I really had no way without being rude.

When I walked into the entrance I looked around and saw no CMAM, I did see two people approaching me. One of the people was a woman slightly older than my mom and the man resembled a svelte older version of Jason his dark hair now in a Roman haircut with a lot more salt than pepper.

Now I know people use outdated photos often. I try and keep mine update within the last 6-12 months. I generally try and keep them in the 6 month range but sometimes you have a great picture that stays a little longer. It's hard to keep online dating photos fresh, especially because I don't walk around taking solo pictures and I generally don't like to advertise my friends in them either.

However Jason's photos were from at least five years ago and apparently he was now an entirely different body shape, not cool.... If he was an average built guy that's what he should have advertised. So now here I am with this mislabeled man and an old woman approaching me. Jason says, "Hi, introduces himself and HIS MOM!" Now generally people's mother's love me but I don't normally meet them on first dates.

The rest of the discussion with his MOM was a bit of a blur, to be honest I was just in shock about the visual disparity, my sinus headache, and her accompanying him to a date. She was there to tell me that Jason had epilepsy (not an issue) and she had written instructions for what to do if he had an episode while we were on the date. I don't really care that he has epilepsy or that there are precautions/steps to take if something occurs. What I care about is that he didn't have the decency to tell me in our lengthy conversations and now he is just standing there while his mom lets me know about something that is an integral part of his life.

Are we in high school? I feel like we are at Homecoming or 8th grade dance before you could drive when you're parents dropped you off at dinner. In lieu of a corsage I am receiving instructions about my date. EPIC FAIL!

I stayed for dinner, I decided to give Jason a chance because maybe he didn't tell me because he thought I would decline the date. Turns out we just didn't have great chemistry, mostly because he had mislead me about his appearance with the outdated photos. Also it came up that he couldn't drive and doesn't drink. I am in no way a raging alcoholic but I like a cocktail and he said drinking bothered him because he used to binge drink in his early twenties and it exacerbated his illness. Therefore he really didn't like people to drink in front of him. He said his friends took turns driving him around however none of them were available today and thus I got to meet his mom. Oh did I mention she left shortly after we were seated.....but it was still a little to long for me.

The rest of this story is a little awkward but I'll tell you just to finish it out. Jason had to call someone for a ride after our date, although out of the way his place was only ten minutes away. Oh wait did I mention, he also mentioned he lived with his mom...actually whole family but that's an entirely different point. This was back in the days where you listed lives alone, with roomates, with family on your online dating profile. He had listed roomates....FYI your mom is not a roommate. I offered him a ride, it was raining and I didn't want to come off as cruel. EPIC FAIL!

Never ever offer men a ride home, to come to your place, or an invitation into your personal space if you know at that point the date is over. While I was driving the ten minutes down the road he started to get a little fresh with men and I had to threaten to pull over and throw him out of the car in the rain if he didn't stop. When I pulled up to drop him off he attempted to kiss me despite the fact that I had told him I had sometime of cold/flu brewing. I threw a hammer or rather my elbow and reached across to open the door of my car. Gesturing him out in the most polite fashion I could muster. I drove off quickly and hoped to never hear from him again.

When he emailed me I declined a second date and told him in the future he should probably let people know about his epilepsy pre-date and that the reason we weren't going out again was his ill regard for my personal space in the car and his outdated photos.

Fast forward almost four years and now I am single again and dating online, guess who winks at me Jason....he has the same CMAM picture which now is verging on being a decade too old. He sends me some form letter email, he must send it to all girls in a specific demographic. I respond letting him now that we have gone out before I reiterate my photo comments and wish him well. His response is that since we are both online again(again? did you ever leave?) maybe it is fate and we should go out. I decline and let him know that at 25 I really wasn't into dating boys who live with there Mom and so it is definitely not an option at 30.....Hammer thrown!

Watch out for hammers,
Gertie xoxo

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Social Awkwardness is a Contagious Disease and I need an Antibiotic

2 blogs 1 day....Blog 2

I have caught the disease of Social Awkwardness from kissing so many frogs or more aptly giving them handshakes or other invariably awkward ways to end a date. It so happens that I have been going on dates with someone whom I really enjoy their company and at the end of almost every date I inevitably put my foot in my mouth.

I have been letting things pop out during the course of these evenings that can only be described as self deprecating. I have told him that I have personal space issues, I'm a prude, I shouted no when he went to kiss me, and wait at another inopportune moment.

I know this is karma's way of paying me back for throwing hammers at boys. But this wonderful charming man continues to allow my social awkwardness to linger and continues to spend time with me and invite me on dates. In fact he has remarked that is cute, and he likes me despite of it.

I hang my head in shame and have no idea why. If Gertie was on date with a guy who professed any of these things, the Committee would tell her to cease and desist immediately. I would definitely throw a hammer at a boy who had pseudo rejected me this many times and yet this Jam making Prince continues on wooing our heroine.

How this story will end....we will have to wait and see but if anyone knows a commiserate drug to the Z-pak that could relieve me of this insane communicable disease, please advise immediately.

Watch out for hammers,
Gertie xoxo

Gertie Throws Hammers at Virgins

2 blogs 1 day This is blog 1 of 2.

Well you are all just lucky! Gertie is a Virgin Magnet. Well to be honest I am a magnet for many things Momma's Boys, Men that Live with their Parents, Old Guys, D&D Players, Southern Pretend Gentlemen, but I am sure we will get to all those over time. Today's topic will be when to throw Hammers at Virgins...

Upon first glance a 25, 30, 35+ year old Virgin seems harmless but don't let their meek and inexperienced novelty fool you. There are many Virgins in this world and they are most likely online dating. They are the guys who play at Games Stores, are obsessed with male dominated activities, and they are probably incredibly nice BUT....there's most definitely a reason they are not getting laid.

And as we learned from the last post, being nice doesn't mean you are getting in my pants!

My first experience with the World of Male Virgins was when I was quite young in my twenties. At first I thought this chaste man was a virgin for religious purposes, being chaste for morals can't be that bad? and it show commitment, so I tried not to judge. BAD IDEA. Men who are virgins after college are not Virgins by choice, they are virgins out of social awkwardness, or lack of opportunity.

Most recently I forgot this notion and on my first foray into the single world I again began dating a virgin. Now this virgin was quite tricky. He didn't not wear his V card emblazoned on his pocket protector nor did he keep it laminated in his wallet, he was hiding it waiting to reveal it at the most opportune time. Certain bells and whistles may occur if you find yourself on a date with a virgin, I will alert you to these trends so you can be aware:

Virgins are uncomfortable at physical interactions: they may be too aggressive in the need to kiss you, or uncomfortable with slight touching, they will also most likely not know how to kiss. Virgins will wait a few dates to even try and put it on you. Virgins will seem enamored with the idea of fooling around but not for the desire to actually have you more with the notion that it is finally going to happen!!

If you encounter one of these interesting frogs along the way I implore you not to take the kissing too far. They will not become your prince. Remember losing your virginity in high school, college, spring break, well sex with a Virgin is just like that EXCEPT you're not at that age/inexperienced anymore and you're still having virgin sex.

I did fall for a Virgin trap this summer, and I officially added the infamous V-card to my repertoire. It wasn't the best of times or the worst of times, but it was the most eager sexual encounter I have had in quite a long time. This Virgin liked cake, and after an amorous pregame I forgot his inexperienced status. Feeling quite Chinese and unable to think clearly I bounded into uncharted Virgin territory. The Virgin didn't was a long arduous process but it didn't seem to have an end, it just kept going and going. I chalked it up to a first time event.

The Newly Experienced Virgin and I continued to see each other for much too long. Forgetting how much first time sex meant to a Virgin there was far too much attachment on his end and much too little investment potential for me in any real future. The Virgin became obsessed with seeing me, sexing me, and being infatuated with me. He decided he was in love. Where I failed in ending this adventure is quite possibly the funniest part of the story.

Now we talked about the inability to finish, and it kind of continued in a sort of way. Being an experienced teacher I tried many ways to get the Virgin off. I didn't want to teach him that women were selfish and ungiving. There were many quirks about the things the Virgin was into after years with Rosey Palm, but all of them were understandable, except for this.....he couldn't finish unless one of us said I love you.

It happened on accident the first time.
He had this look like he was holding back, I asked him what was wrong, and he replied, it's something we discussed that he shouldn't say. I told him that in the confines of the bedroom he should let his freak flag fly and say whatever he like. I told him sometimes things came out and that things happen and it was fine. That day the Virgin said I love you during sex as he finished, I was shocked and had no idea how to respond. But my encounter with him continued, and this is the point where I should have drawn the line. There was also the time he cried in public, but really it was that The Virgin liked to profess his love while having sex.,

Upon one such occasion, the Virgin was repeatedly saying I love was becoming arduous, and I replied,"I love you too, would you cum already?' and then he did. It was a lie and turnoff all at once
And after that during every encounter included that seven letter phrase. At this point I knew it was him it was romantic, to me it was insane.

I was going on vacation. I decided to end things when my vacation was over. We would already have a break while I was away so it seemed to make sense. I had never really broken a heart before but I knew that I was about to. When I told him it was over it lead to many follow up phone calls amongst which he told me that I destroyed his faith in humanity. That he didn't care that I didn't love him the way he loved me, he basically admitted he was willing to settle. My heart broke a little as I threw the hammer at that toad, and I really felt like a cad. While I didn't set out to break his heart I knew I had and for that I will forever be sorry.

What have we learned from this story boys and girls is already being promulgated by TLC and the Virgin Diaries, which I have yet to watch but have caught the previews, Watch out for Virgins. They are eccentrics, they may be sweet, but if you want sweet buy a puppy. Don't spear Virgins, and when they try to attach definitely throw your hammer!

Watch out for hammers,
Gertie xoxo

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Let's start at the beginning..the need for a hammer

Once there was a recently dumped girl who began online dating. She was cute and funny and assumed all the other people online dating would be the same. She started exchanging emails with a Christian Rockstar, well actually he was a devout Catholic hockey commentator, but we'll call him Christian Rockstar none the less. He seemed perfect for her after being recently dumped, except....he didn't live in her state. He traveled for work and he called her often(he's the reason we have the phone number rule) but E-harmony said they were a perfect match so their online tryst continued.

He moved farther South and now he had commentated games in the state where her family lived. She visited there often so it occurred to her that if they were in the area at the same time maybe they could meet. They exchanged personal emails, phone numbers, IM, and he had plenty of time to chat. She ignored the fact that if he was such a catch in a new town, he should be out making friends and meeting people.

It really kept her occupied and she pushed past the loneliness of her breakup. In discussing their relationship history it came out that the Christan Rockstar had thought about being a priest, favorite move was Sister Act 2, and he was a 25 year old VIRGIN!!! He was enraged when he found out that Gertie was not a virgin too. He closed their match, sent her a nasty gram, and told her to never call him again.

But our young heroine told the Christian Rockstar off, she took crap from no one, especially a 25 yr old Virgin! She told him how dare he judge her after never being in a relationship and when he apologized she agreed to continue to chat. Being an inexperienced ingenue she made a mistake, she never should have continued speaking to him.

When someone judges you, ask yourself why?And when they judge you too harshly maybe you should consider judging them. They were not a good match but Young Gertie didn't yet have a hammer and so she continued trying to Spear a Toad.

She traveled to a Southern state and drove two hours to see this hockey commentator. She went to the game although she abhors hockey and then met the Rockstar out for drinks afterwards. Shockingly he didn't drink, and furthermore he didn't party like a Rockstar. In fact everyone on the team made fun of him and he seemed to not have any friends. They walked around for a while and Stupid Gertie decided to drive him back to his hotel. How harmless could this Virgin be? He was virtuous for religious reason and chaste for conviction.

And then it happened... on the ride to the hotel he told Gertie of his desire for her to wear a Singlet and how he wanted to take her down. He didn't want to have sex with her ever, he desired a sparring partner. Apparently this Virgin's fantasy was wrestling and Gertie domination. She dropped him off and declined to go inside. He tried to wrestle a kiss away from her in the car. She tried to decline but ejected him from the car after he molested her face in a fashion that can only be compared to being licked by a puppy from cheek to cheek. This Virgin was not a virgin of chaste moral nature but rather from lack of opportunity.

On the ride home she wondered why she hadn't seen the crazy warning signs?Why she had actually traveled by car and plane to meet a Rockstar? Why she didn't have a weapon of defense for his molestation. He called her the next day, before she left the state to perhaps have lunch or a visit. She knew they weren't meant to be, so she decided to tell him. He launched into some wacky tirade on the phone. She hung up.

The only thing that Gertie was certain of after this first foray into singleness and dating is that she needed a Hammer to Throw at Boys, until she finally speared a man. Upon the trip home Gertie decided to use her sharp wit and cunning skills to craft such an opportune weapon to protect her from the world of boys and toads.....

Watch out for hammers,
Gertie xoxo

So about this being nice thing....

Have had some non comment feedback from friends about my blog post. It was discussed that I should be more real, honest, and a little less nice. No one who I write about will ever read these posts, so Ladies and Gentleman.....we are about to get real!

And about Nice Guys and finishing last, I don't necessarily disagree but I think this quote sums it up best:

"Nice will take you a long way in life, but unfortunately it will not get you in my pants!"

And on that note look forward to an upcoming blog about Virginity, faith in humanity, and puppy love.

Watch out for hammers,
Gertie xoxo

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

I Throw Hammers at boys who wear NO shirts......

*****Update:All previous comments for this blog post have been removed because the person who it is about is now my friend and could possibly read them.....but at least I can report we are great friends and that's something to be happy about******

I am engaged in online dating, this is my second go around. The first go around I tried Match and E-harmony, and perused some others but didn't actually jump into the fish pond. This time around a few years older and some dating tips wiser I have joined many a dating site. All sites have their highs and lows and that's probably for another blog.

I had a date this weekend with a new interest, Let's call him the Shirtless Wonder! The Shirtless Wonder seemed nice upon initial interaction. Why am I calling him Shirtless? Well among a myriad of online dating pictures he has some that are clearly less than photogenic. In fact one is obviously taken from a web cam in his room where he is shirtless and his shirt is splayed across the bed behind him. Generally, I would think this is creepy and carry on to someone else but a great personality is shining through his profile.

We exchanged pleasantries, you could tell by his profile he was new into the foray of online dating, and I always give the newbies the benefit of the doubt. Let's be honest, I really give them all the benefit of the doubt. I think personality is more important than packaging. Apparently my mother really drove home that who you are on the inside counts and it stuck. My father keeps reminding me not to settle. I should listen to my Dad more.

Back to the Shirtless Wonder, let's call him Shirtless for short. Shirtless was a single divorcee who recently jumped into the scene. Through our email exchange which lasted a little too long for my liking, I learned he hadn't been on a date since his divorce a few years ago. I don't like to email for longer than a week or two before meeting and we emailed for a month. So we agree to meet and I let him choose the place and time and say he should be comfortable so choose something closer to him. Really I don't like to meet new people in my backyard, way too many people to run into.

I am a few minutes late to the date because I have a hard time finding the restaurant. It's a Casual Seafood Grill type establishment and I'm really looking forward to something yummy with a lemon sauce. I send a quick email saying running behind and he graciously says no worries. I park and start walking toward the door. I see a man appearing like Shirtless sitting right outside the front door.

I wave and smile in his direction and as he stands to greet me. Shirtless is tall, his face rugged and handsome for a man his age. I should have told him he looked handsome.
We have a drink, he orders a beer and tells me he rarely drinks. We talk about our day and then our table is ready. He seems sweet, shy, and nervous and I really want Shirtless to have a great time tonight. Not only because the first date getting back out there is hard but because I want him to go on others. I am just not sure that they should be with me. Being told I destroy people's faith in humanity by one man whom I threw a hammer at, I am really not looking to hurt Shirtless in any way.

******THIS BLOG HAS BEEN ALTERED TO PROTECT THE GUILTY, MAINLY ME!!!****** I am contemplating a second date with Shirtless without even a comment.

We have dinner and we begin talking, always a fan of older gentleman, I've noticed lately that age is more than just a number. Age can actually be a deterrent because some of these men are still boys. A 25 year old boy may become a man one day, but after 30 the likelihood of becoming a man dwindles greatly.

We talk about activities and friends, what we like to do for fun. He is not too geeky or even to eccentric for my taste. I think he would be someone that I could see hanging out with my Dad watching football. I delve deep into conversation about our dogs, places we've been, and family. We are both good people and enjoy reading, our pups, and Revenge; not the activity more the ABC show on Wednesday. ******THIS BLOG HAS BEEN ALTERED TO PROTECT THE GUILTY, MAINLY ME!!!****** I am really enjoying his company. ******THIS BLOG HAS BEEN ALTERED TO PROTECT THE GUILTY, MAINLY ME!!!******

The check comes and in my mind we should split it because I'm not really sure if he wants to go out on another date. I'm looking for a man to have a serious relationship with and this man is still finding himself. At the beginning of the date I wondered why he was single because he has so many wonderful qualities, but now I think it is because he is still finding himself after a broken heart. To clarify, ******THIS BLOG HAS BEEN ALTERED TO PROTECT THE GUILTY, MAINLY ME!!!****** He won't hear of me contributing and pays the bill. Great points about older guys, chivalry is more prevalent in their species.

We walk out and I give him the Gertie Handshake, ******THIS BLOG HAS BEEN ALTERED TO PROTECT THE GUILTY, MAINLY ME!!!****** thank him for the good time and head toward the car. ******THIS BLOG HAS BEEN ALTERED TO PROTECT THE GUILTY, MAINLY ME!!!****** He sends me an email before I even get home about what a nice time he had, how he hopes I got home safe, and how he wish he could have picked me up and dropped me off.

I know you can't be friends with everyone you go on a date with, and that men most likely don't want to hear my profile tips, or advice, but this is one guy I really wish I could give it to. I know he is a diamond in the rough and with a little polishing he would dazzle in the right setting. The real question is with the polishing would he be my style?

Watch out for hammers,
Gertie xoxo

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Rules and Targets

Now I am not a Rules Girl by any stretch of the imagination, in fact I have read the Rules and the Rules II and don't agree with all of them or even most of them exclusively. But I do have some dating rules that have evolved over the years. My rules are sometimes extreme to some but to me they make the best sense.

Rules for Dating by Gertie:

1. Give everyone who asks a first date, they will all teach you something (Edit: Everyone who can pass Rule 2)
2. Google everyone before you're first date make sure they aren't a serial killer and their story checks out.
3. Give everyone that makes you laugh a second date, when you're old laughter will matter more than you know.
4. Don't give out your phone number until you meet. Everyone has email on their phones these days. (Still am contemplating a burner cell phone just for dating)
5. Have an email address exclusively for online dating, don't link that email to anything else in your life.
6. Only give third dates to men who make you feel butterflies, no need to waste time.
7. Kissing on a first date is the exception not the rule.
8. See a man's place before you every invite him to yours.
9. Bring enough cash on a date to throw down and roll out if the need arises.
10. Honesty is a paramount quality, watch out for inconsistencies.

This is just a short list on reminders to help you navigate down the bumpy single road, I am sure others will come up along the way.......

Now I am sure you are asking what kind of Men are we trying to Target here in this blog? Everyone's list is different so you should definitely make your own. Keep it short, keep it realistic, and look for qualities that will matter over time. While I surely throw hammers at boys who don't deserve my time. I more aptly try to spear Men who fall within this Target.

Male Targets:
1. Tall men who reach the top shelf - remember to subtract two inches from a listed height on an online dating profile.
2. Broad Men who give Great Hugs; subjective but necessary
3. Someone who doesn't want to hang out everyday, but who wants to hangout a few times a week.
4. Someone who is awesome and has friends that are awesome, bonus points if your friends would mesh well with my friends.
5. Someone who knows there way around a kitchen, bar, or a pantry. I like Men who can cook, bake, and especially craft an interesting cocktail or two.
6. Gentleman who remember the little things, without being asked and care about your well being.
7. Someone who makes you laugh, the type of laughter that explodes throughout your entire body.
8. Someone who loves their mom, sister, women in their life but in a healthy well adjusted way.
9. A Great Communicator.

Future blogs will contain hilarious adventures of this heroine as she cultivates these rules and narrows her targets.

Watch out for hammers,
Gertie xoxo