Thursday, June 28, 2012

Gertie assigns Fred a Number & Tips for Finding Men Online

I am going to start blogging more about the last few months; where I have been while I have been a little silent in my blogging. What I have been up to and the like. You are going to hear alot more about a character we refer to as Fred Flinstone, and today we are going to assign him a number.

Before we begin our second date story I think we should examine Fred's number and I should tell you a little extra story about him that occurred when Gertie went dress shopping with her friend Miss Off The Market.  This story occurred after Gertie had been out with Fred quite a few times but it won't ruin any surprised by telling it now. Something really funny happened to Gertie at this juncture that had never happened to her before in online dating.

We have talked before about Gertie's love of the quirky in her taste of men in general, but let me tell you how that bleeds into her taste of men online. Let me tell you my approach to viewing messages and checking out online profiles. When Gertie views messages from men online she always read the substance of the message first. Stock messages with no unique interest in her or her profile, mainly get deleted or rarely a "no thank you" response. It's not that these gentleman couldn't be attractive but Gertie likes a genuine message that shows interest and  writing prowess. Maybe it because I read about so many blogs. Maybe it's because I am always reading about the many messages that Ryan sends to ladies on AM. If that man can juggle a job, a marriage, two kids, a household, and a succesful blog and send personalized notes to his online conquests, so can any guy who wants to date me! So when determining Fred's Number, he was in strong contention for Number 10. To recap Number 1o is a guy who  read your profile online and commented on it thoughtfully and back in March I thought that would be his number but I never really made it official. 

Now let's get back to Gertie's online process for evaluating men. After I read a well drafted message that is unique and piques my interest, I check out the meat and potatoes of the man's profile. If his interests, grammar, self summary all seem in order, I check his details to see where he  falls in the Target Zone. Sometimes Gertie would lean out of the zone and date someone who wasn't her normal type trying to attain all the 17 guys we need to date for 2012. Then she views their photos. I know, I know... you don't believe me that I view their photos last but that's really how I view their profiles. I think I am really not an entirely visual person. Maria makes fun of me constantly, grabbing my phone and checking them out before she lets me talk about their stats.  Not that I don't have a type of that I don't like people that are attractive, but in my opinion looks fade. Long after six pack abs have come and gone a person's personality will still be around.

John Lithgow/ Fred the Killer
So if you read this far then I am sure that you really want to know Fred's number......drumroll please, after much debate and under the stipulation that a number can only be assigned once. I am assigning Fred......Number 16! So Fred had kind of odd photos. I mean we already learned that in our coffe story. Previously I think I mentioned he had a caveman resemblance but I think that is just because he had dark hair and had a picture next to an inflatable Fred. Upon further inspection I don't think he is very caveman like at all. He wears glasses, doesn't walk around barefoot, nor does he carry a club. He walks upright and he is very far from a Neanderthal. In fact although Gertie generally goes for tall dark and handsome and those words can be used to describe Fred, he is alot leaner and lankier than her normal prospects. So all of Fred's dating profile photos had funny lighting, they weren't flattering to say the least. Upon recounting her coffee story to her friends, when they asked to see his photo a few of them recoiled and asked her if she was sure about him.
Kathlene and her husband jokingly referred to Fred as a bit of a serial killer look to him. Although I think he looks nothing like Hannibal Lector or David Berkowitz. The only serial killer I can think of that he would even bare a slight resemblance to is a very young John
Lithgow way before he portrayed the Trinity Killer in Season 4 of Dexter. So he wasn't initially Gertie's type per se.

Fred Flintstones Doppelganger
However maybe dating slightly from the norm would help our heroine find love. So she gave Fred Number 16, The Guy you weren't initially attracted to but suddenly he's incredibly cute. And to be quite honest, Fred is incredibly  cute. Kathlene and her hubby say that Fred looks like a taller cuter Alton Brown but I think he is more aptly described as an incredibly young Tarantino look alike. Think early nineties, pulp fiction Tarantino.  And while I really am more of a chubby chaser I think this time I am going to try something new! :)

Back to the funny story about Miss Off the Market, a mutual friend, and Fred Flinstone. So after quite a few dates with Fred,     I went with Miss Off the Market  and a mutual friend to help her look at wedding dresses. It was a great girly day of fun and frills. We had an indulgent lunch and we re catching up on recent dates. Gertie was sharing about Fred showed her friends his photo. She was telling him that he was quite cuter than his photo and Gertie liked that his photos were a bit odd. She thought it might have saved him from being snatched up by someone else. The third friend at the table laughed, she is also single and indulges in online dating. Apparently Fred Flinstone who lives much closer to her than Gertie had messaged her at some point earlier in the year. His photos were a strong reason she declined messaging him back. See not everyone follows the Gertie process in choosing men and we all have different tastes. 

In the back of Gertie's mind she felt a slight bit of happiness or maybe it was in her Grinch heart, at least they never went on a date. Wow, wouldn't have that been awkward at the Fall Wedding.

Until Next Time, 
Gertie XoXo

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

I haven't thrown a hammer all summer!

I have gone out with someone for more than 10 dates. In fact we have been going on dates for quite a while. I have hesitated to say that he is my boyfriend or label whatever it is that is going on .

If I was him I would have surely thrown a hammer my way because some of my behavior has been outlandish and obtuse but alas he continues to put up with me. I think he does this because he is either slightly insane or really cares for me. I mean he would have to be one or
the other to put up with all my shenanigans.

What kind of crazy shenanigans are you engaged in Gertie?

Examples include but are not limited to:

Introducing him by his name without labeling him and/or specifically telling him not to label me.
Asking him what the consequences would be for going out with other guys
Telling him I plan on going out with other guys, and occasionally hanging out alone with male "friends" (Although these were platonic occasion, I swear!!)
Making shocked faces when he asks about weekend trips or future planning
Telling him planning a trip in September was too far off and something I couldn't commit to....and it is almost June

But considering taking him as my flavor of the month date and asking him to keep his calendar free.

Are you dating some type of pushover or cad Gertie? What kind of reactions does this man have to your outlandish behavior?

Reactions include but are not limited to:
He simply stated if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck no need to be labeled with a sharpie, in retort to the boyfriend/girlfriend debacle. Speaking of ducks, have you seen the Teach me How to Ducky Video, it's hysterical! Almost make me want to be an Oregon Ducks Fan.
In response to what would occur if I dated other guys, his simple retort was that he
wasn't interested in seeing anyone else but if I wanted to explore my options he didn't want me to feel pinned down. Then he texted me if we were still on for Saturday night and how far he should book in advance because of the competition.In regards to hanging out with other guys he simply asked me if we could go out the night before and then he....well, I am going to save that for a future blog. But believe you me it was convincing. And then he gave me the most ridiculous rules ever, he asked that I not intimately touch other men or kiss them on the lips. It really reminded me of the hooker rules in Pretty Woman.
His reaction to all my shocked looks and bewilderment in regards to future planning have been simply to laugh and say he loves my expressive face. Also that he think he and Kathlene have future planned this unlabeled relationship farther than I have.

And yet despite all my balking about what is or isn't going on and commitment phobia, Fred Flinstone really is a wonderful guy. I mean he started out a little rocky, and I am sure I will blog about it sooner or later, but he seems to be quite the keeper. My mom actually remarked on the phone earlier today when we were discussing something about the weekend that if I didn't make him my boyfriend soon, she was going to steal him from me herself. I wonder how my Dad would feel about my Mom having a boyfriend, they have been married for almost 35 years?

Watch out for hammers,
Gertie XoXo

Monday, June 25, 2012

Gertie throws the hammer at herself in real life

I think it is important to note that although our fun and fearless heroine has dating rules and talks about Targets she is still just a single girl in the dating world and she can often get flustered. Do any of you have regular crushes? Maybe people who strike your fancy but you may or may not be interested in talking to. Well I have three such men in my life and I am about to tell you about each of them.Secret Confession: Sometimes when I catch a glimpse of an incredibly dreamy hunk I become frozen in space and time and I am more of a young school girl than the mature heroine who is trying to Target Mr. Right. Since I often throw the hammer at boys for not acting their age, I think I should use this blog to make fun of myself in a myriad of my recent social interactions.
Back to my three school girl crushes.......
#1 LL Cool J
I drive to work daily and en route I have to pass through entrance where they view your employee badge before you can enter. There are three entrances you can drive thru and they all have regular attendants whose schedules are rotated. So you see the same five to seven guys every day but they are in different entrances at different times. Being a superhero we have to keep our bat caves very restricted so no one steals our super cool gadgets and toys. There is one attendant who I regularly flirt with who is my first every day crush. He looks exactly like LL Cool J. LL Cool J the actor/rapper/hearthrob. LL Cool J the star became more attractive to me when I heard how long he had been married to his wife, Simone, whom he had been with since they were teenagers. Somehow to me fidelity and a long standing love is incredibly romantic and attractive. So back to my everyday crush, he checks my employee badge a few times a week. I like to be in his line more so in the cooler months than the warmer ones because when he puts a cap and jacket on he looks less like LL Cool J. His jacket also says his last name so it slightly ruins my fantasy that his last name is Smith. Why else do I crush so hard on this eye candy, it can't only be looks Gertie? Well there is one more reason and it's quite simple. My LL Cool J is a flirt. No matter what I am wearing, or how I appear Mr. Cool J always tell me how beautiful I look in the morning as he wishes me good day. Sometimes it's a specific compliment and sometimes not. Do I think I am the only lady he wishes good day with an added smile and compliment? Absolutely Not!!!! But I love the morning flirtation, it brightens my day. In addition knowing that it will never be anything more than a smile and a compliment keeps this school girl coming back for more even in the longest entry line.

#2 Mr. CoffeeI work in a rather large office complex, there are many building that are inte
rconnected they have common areas where people laugh, socialize, have coffee, lunch and take smoke breaks. Often in these areas I will encounter people who work in other office spaces. On one such occasion when I was getting coffee on a casual Friday in early Spring I saw him. I was breaking in a new pair of heels for a date later that night. My heart stilled for a minute as this handsome nerdy man entered the cafe. He did look slightly like Gerard Butler, although I chose this picture mainly for the outfit. He had on something similar but despite his tall nature his pants were rolled on the bottom and slightly pegged. Gertie you are telling us about a nerdy guy with pegged pants? Yes....I am, we all have our quirks, now keep reading. He walked around me in a circle and checked me out. Both my colleagues standing in line noticed his flirtatious glance. I am incredibly single so there is no reason why I couldn't simply go up to him and say hi. In online dating I will often wink, message, or visit a cute guy's profile and don't hesitate to make the first move. But in real life, I stand shocked that a man in my office building is checking me out. Like it can only happen online and it is a foreign concept in reality. I smile back at him I follow him and his friend around the cafe with my eyes. As I am getting honey for my tea he steps next to me and asks me for a sugar packet. I can't remember if it was splenda, equal, I know it was some type of artificial sweetener. It was all I could do to just stare at him and then he smiled and commented that he would see me about and he was off. It was if I had thrown an invisible hammer that had frozen me in time. On another occasion, Mr. Coffee approached where Maria and I were sitting in the cafe having coffee with some of our male colleagues. I got so nervous and flushed I nearly passed out. Turns out he just walked past my table and gave me a wink as he headed out to have a smoke with his buddy. I have seen him several times since and we always exchanges smiles, there is just something that keeps me from making the first move. Could it be the dates I have been on recently, my own hammer holding me back, or that I am so much cooler online?

#3 Covert D

I have a love of nerds. I think I like men that other ladies look past sometimes, let me correct myself I know I choose men that other ladies look past often. The problem is I am cute and although social awkward at times. In non flirting situations, these cute little nerds probably think I am out of their league, I know this is true because I have been told this by them and all my friends on more than one occasion. However if you think a nerd who likes coffee in my building makes me nervous, let me tell y
ou about the man who make me speechless....his name is Covert D. Covert D is the KING of the NERDS at a business meeting that I regularly attend. I am generally a heightest but for Covert D I make an exception. Patti Stanger once said on Millionaire Matchmaker that no one cared how tall a man was when he was standing on his money. This would relate to Covert D because it never occurred to me how tall he was because all I can see is his brain. He is so quirky, intelligent, and smart and he makes the most inappropriate jokes on slide presentations. The first time I saw him I wasn't even single it was well over a year ago and even though at the time I was blissfully in love, he sent butterflies in my tummy when I saw him. He has piercing blue eyes and the best laugh. I am told by Miss Off the Market and Maria that I am probably the only one in the room with the hots for him. But this school girl crush I have none the less. Standing somewhere in the five eight to five ten height measurements, Covert D looks like a cross between Zach Galifianakis and Gerard Butler if they had a love child who was in his late thirties. I have done some slight investigations through colleagues and he appears to be single but I have yet to make a move. I assumed he was married because all the good ones are taken, but in fact he is not. I argued to my friends that he must have a significant other, but alas it appears that may not be the case. I mean if there is a woman it is not serious, because you should see some of his fashion choices. In addition it has been said by my friends that his off color slides would lose some of the sexual tension if he was actually gettting action in real life. I mean people who have sex don't have to write about it, some blogs on my blog roll argues against that theory. But one assumes those authors don't include sex commentary on their power point presentations.....(crickets chirping)

I have managed to speak to Covert D about work projects, he's started conversations several times. He once discussed something with me and I was about to ask him for drinks but we were interrupted by a third party and I didn't want to get shot down in front of an audience. During the meeting's break we all have lunch, I was about to join him at a table by himself. BAM!! My boss cock blocked me(Can women cock block other women?) threw a hammer at my plan. She asked me to join her to talk about our projects during lunch. In the last six months I have made attempts to speak to him but I just can't seem to close and ask him for drinks. I initially held back because I didn't want to look unprofessional hitting on colleagues. Especially as the newly single lady about town, but now I worry if I reveal my school girl crush I will look like some type of serial killer. I mean I don't want to be known as the girl who wants to wear his face as a mask?......I mean how long can you lust after a crush before it becomes creepy. So I look forward to the meetings where I see Covert D twice a month and continue on throwing hammers at boys. In the back of my mind this Target just seems to have the What If , plastered on his head. I set goals every month that this will be the time and I will ask him for drinks or his number, but at this point I have yet to close. On a positive note, dressing up slightly more for meetings when I see him as scored me several business cards and alot of flirting from everyone but my Target. Although in his defense he has been absent for the last four. Maybe I can manage to close before the end of the summer?

As I always throw hammers at boys for childish behavior and throw remarks about how they should man up, I thought it was only appropo to finally admit that even I suffer from stints of social awkwardness. And while LL Cool J is merely eye candy, I am more able to flirt with him on a daily basis than I am to really close with the more realistic Covert D or Mr. Coffee.

Feel free to make fun of me or if you are really feeling charitable proffer advice on how to woman up and seal the deal. I am still living in the mantra that I will be more successful with men who make the first move in real life. Anyone have a story that proves me wrong?

Watch out for Hammers!
Gertie XoXo

Monday, June 18, 2012

My Favorite Fairy Tale

Although I am sure we all imagined a happily ever after as a child, imagine if the Princess would have said No..

I cannot take credit for this hysterical image, I stole it from the FRISKY, I heard this version of the fairytale a la 2008 for the first time. I loved it then and I love it now.

I am very behind in blogging and in effort to end my slump, I post this and I promise to post more in the future.

I will divulge that I have made it past ten dates with someone and I have yet to throw a hammer in his direction....could I have found a Prince after kissing so many FROGS?? To be continued.....

Watch out for Frogs,
Gertie XoXo