Thursday, October 18, 2012

As the leaves change, so does life

Times they are a changing everywhere, it has been a very eventful summer in the life of our fair Heroine. Here we are in fall with beautiful leaves, pumpking carving and fall festivities everywhere.

Gertie no longer throws hammers at boys and has apparently speared a man. Well at least he ranked as a man according to this nifty article I found on the Frisky. He has met all criteria I can determine most importantly he has been a rockstar at the many special events I had this summer, he's not scared of tough conversation, and in the end I see his ultimate goal always trying to make me happy. Which is really nice because this heroine is generally trying to make him happy too.

Therefore I am going to be transitioning to a new blog sometime in the next few weeks. I have been working on some posts for quite a while now and I have some questions for those of you who follow to vote in on:

I know that I will talk about relationships and hilarious stories as they pop up, some may be dates of the past or experiences I come across.

I think I will have some blogs that updated where our guest bloggers and important people are nowadays.

I am also interested in blogging about more conversational topics in my life. Sometimes I have written about these things here but  I tried to tie them into my dating life. I think my new blog would talk about relationships beyond dating, stages of commitments, relationships with friends, and etc. I also think I might share some sex tips/advice.

So here is the real question out there in blog land......
1.Would you be willing to read more from your Dear Friend Gert?
2. Do you have a fun blog name for Gertie?
I have been contemplating a blog name change so message me any suggestions, I am having a hard time leaving the world of spears and hammers for something less cool.

Watch out for Hammers~

Friday, August 31, 2012

Gertie Throws a Hammer at Regrets, Embrace Your History

I read an incredible quote by an online writer, Sara Barron, she was writing about not having regrets and good reasons to be adventurous. I found the quote really inspiring and it reminded me of my blog. My blog that I said I would keep up on more this month, and yet.... I lied. But it made me think of my blog because the last blog I published was about not having Regrets. It was a survery from TMI Tuesday but writing it felt very cathartic. It brought alot of discussion into my current relationship as well.

I think it is important to share a certain amount of history not just with your friends, your blog readers, your therapist, but also with your partner. But this blog is about not having regrets and embracing your history, so I digress. If I were to think about a song, to imitate Ryan Beaumont, the best song  I can think of would be a little country, maybe Bless the Broken Road, by Rascal Flats.
Maybe one of you could suggest a better song, it's not my forte per se. I'd like to pick something more edgy or contemporary but nothing really comes to mind. The only suggestion I got was from my work husband and he suggested, Pebbles, Love Makes Things Happen, look out for Babyface in the video. I am not really sure that it fits into what I was going for, but hey I am letting all suggestion be heard.

Wait, I opened this blog to tell you the quote that was so inspirational about embracing your life path and adventures by Ms. Barron,

"Eventually, you’re going to meet The Guy. You’ll meet him, and love him and settle down with him. And even though you’ll love him, and even though you’ll be thrilled to settle down, you’ll want – before meeting him – to have some experience under your belt. Your monogamous, LTR will be made all the sweeter when you have those mad adventures to remember."

Although this quote is geared toward finding a Guy, I think it is universal to any partner, male, female, superhero, space alien, all partners could be interchangeable. 

So as you are searching out there for your Mr. Right, don't look pass the fun you could be having with Mr. Right Now... You never know what's going to put a smile on your face when you're eighty years old and remembering your adventurous youth! In Gertie's mind, those little old ladies don't regret they adventures they had but rather the ones, they didn't take.

Watch out for Hammers, 

Gertie XOXO

Ps My next few blogs will be about the man who liked cake, the first Man I ever loved, Steelers Guy, and a retort about what school of love Gertie hails from.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Does Gertie have any regrets?

Since I haven't been blogging much, I am going to kick down the door and jump back in with a TMI Tuesday post, hope you enjoy!! 

Looking back on our lives, we can have a mix of reactions to the things we’ve done. When it comes to sex, our memories can color us with pride, fondness, nostalgia, indifference, or all too often, regret.
This week’s TMI Tuesday questions delve into things that people typically regret later in life. How much do you regret, if at all, any of the following?

1. Do you regret how you “lost” your virginity? If yes, why and to whom would you have preferred to have lost it?

I  do not regret how I lost my virginity. I was old enough, it was someone who I was in love with, and it really was special. As I hang my head in shame, I am about to quote Awkward(yes that teen angst show on MTV) as Lacey says to Jenna when discussing having sex with someone for the first time," Jenna, contrary to the advice I've been giving Ally; you need to know that every first time is the first time, and it should be special." But if I could have lost my virginity to Jared Leto in his role as Jordan Catalano in My So Called Life, I wouldn't have complained. Just another great example of class MTV cult show because really who doesn't want to be told, "You're so beautiful it hurts to look at you."

2. Have you ever lived a moment in your life where you said “Yeah, I’m not going to ever tell anyone about that.” Describe that moment or incident.

Hmm so if I had a secret where  in the moment I told myself I would never tell anyone about it would I really admit it on this only semi-anonymous blog..... I think not!! I think this question more relates to sex than actions in your life, because that is the overall tone of the Q&A. I am going to feign a blonde moment because its summer and all the swimming is starten to lighten my hair..... so there was this one time where I slid across the floor at the Hippo in the bathroom and then I peed my pants, washed my pants in the sink and dryed them under the hand dryer......many moons ago, but that moment and the ensuing even it occurred in will remain a moment in history I will not tell anyone about.
3. Do you regret having acted on a sexual impulse? If yes, please describe.

I  do not regret acting on a sexual impulse, but there are many moments I look back on and wonder what I was thinking. For example I used to make out and do all kinds of crazy sex acts in cars when I was much younger and not scared of being arrested for public indecency. Who knew the back seat, front seat, and overall the car in general had so much space!?!! It all seems ridiculous to me know but at the time being in the moment was all I can remember. Especially the guy I used to date who liked it when I wore skirts when we had a long drives and his ability to multitask and keep us on the road.

4. Do you regret not having had sex with someone who you could have had sex? If yes, would you do it over and have sex?

I don't regret having not had sex with anyone who I could have had sex with. I slightly regret not being aware of some of the opportunities I could have had if I had known people had feelings for me. I friend zoned people pretty quickly in my youth.  I would probably have regrets if I would have taken advantage of even some of those opportunities. So kudos to me for being a naive prude!

Although I definitely do not regret the guy in college who always hooked me up without reciprocation. All things being equal I should probably have had sex with him but that I did not have sex with him is something that I count as a score for all the Ladies in the battle of the sexes. We should all be so lucky to find some guy who only wants to eat cake and hook you up when he is drunk, setting the bar high for all men who came after him! :)
5. Do you regret not having asked out or tried to hook up with someone you really liked out of fear of rejection only to later learn that person wanted you, too? If yes, please describe.

We all know I have crushes as obvious from my previous posts. There are of course people I find attractive that I may have waited to flirt or hook up with. From this lesson I have learned that there is probably a reason why I don't act on these fears. Perhaps they are married, have hairy backs, or are lousy lovers. I feel like if there is something holding me back it is really a gut instinct protecting my best interest. If I would have hooked up with a crush who liked me back this could be an entirely different blog about kids and crafts, and honestly would you want to read that?
6. Do you regret having done a particular sex act? If yes, please describe.

This one time at band camp, well actually I never went to band camp...I think I have tried some sex acts that I have been less into than others, but I wouldn't say I regretted any of them. The closest thing I came to regretting was taking the Moogle's V card. If I would have never had sex with a virgin, my life would be the same. A lot less funny, but I can't say that sex act added anything to my sexual repertoire....only to jokes that can be made by my friends.
Bonus: Do you regret not having told someone you love them? Romantic, not familial or friendship love.

I  do not regret not having told someone I loved them in a romantic way because I am pretty open with my feelings and I share them with someone when I care for them. I don't drop the L bomb lightly, but when I do I generally mean it. Except for that one time when I said it during, well that is for an entirely different blog post.....

On a closing note, there is an anonymous quote or rather a quote that I can't tell whom it was authored by and it says,

"In the end we only regret the chances we didn't take. The relationships we were too scared to have and the decisions we waited too long to make. There comes a time in your life when you realize who matters, who doesn't, who never did, and who always will"

Watch out for Hammers, 

Gertie XOXO

 How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!
Happy TMI Tuesday!

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Myths about Gertie, and finding the real truths....

I read an interesting article about personal mythologies, it was published by The Frisky after an enthralling episode of Girls. I know some of my readers probably don't watch this show, but if you have HBO you should check it out. The first season recently ended but you can watch them on HBO GO.

Girls is interesting to me even though I am past that quarter life stage in my life, it reminds me of a young version of Sex and The City. Just my luck, I was too young for Sex and The City when it began airing. I was a teenager in high school, I watched it through the finale while I was in college and it always seemed like advice from my older sisters(If I had any) If it aired now it would have been more appropro for my age box. Although I can still learn from its lessons, I  have all the seasons and watch the reruns on E!.  And now they have this awesome show about the Quarter Life of women that is so Sex and The City-esque with less designer fashion, with more poverty, reality, and quirky personalities and I am about five years outside of the age box of these girls. But I remember being young and out of college like Lena Dunham and her crew, I was less bohemian and artsy and more working as hard as I could at multiple jobs while starting my career. Yes my friends before Gertie was a superhero she used to sling cocktails, beers, and she's a retired sindustry professional. You learn more about me week by week.

Back to the article about personal mythologies, the topic at hand was basically that we actualize personal myths and create them as our own reality  even though they can be negative and untrue. In Girls we see Marnie act as Hannah's sounding board and smack her back into reality on the episode before this article was written.

That got me thinking that I should look at what personal mythologies I ascribe to myself, what they are, if they are true, if they are not, if I don't like them what I can change to stop them from pervading my life. Really there is one mythology that is pervasive in my life whose veracity is questionable and now that I am thinking about there are problem quite a few.  I will now look at my own perception's of myself and debunk whether they are truths or myths

Myths about Gertie

Myth #1 I am tall. I am very short, five foot three and one half, I have been this tall since I was ten years old. At ten it made me tall for my age, in my thirties it makes me slightly below the average height for an adult female. In my mind, I am as tall as a glamazon and it makes me discount shorter statured men. I should debunk the myth that I am tall and realize that even average heighted people are taller than me and I can date them. Alot of my friends are taller than me and it took me till this year to realize we weren't like sized adults.

Myth #2 That people are looking at me because I am unattractive/have some malady, I'm very self conscious sometimes. It's entirely irrational, deep down I know I am attractive and that I draw attention for my personality as well as my looks. When men are checking me out and or people glance in my direction, I will acknowledge they are looking at me and smiling because they like what they see. I will no longer think there is spinach in my teeth and they're waiting for me to pass so they can gossip about some malady I am unaware of. Lol

Myth #3 Gertie is a  bad cook. My mother never taught me how to cook, she simply taught me how to bake, mostly because she didn't like to bake herself. There is a rumor going around my family that I didn't know how to cook for years.  I always thought that my cooking was subpar I compared it to my mom, a chef I dated in my 20's, and culinary genuis' on TV. The truth is I am an excellent cook, this year my mother had me teach her how to make risotto. I may use recipes but I even get things right and tasty on the first try. I will no longer second guess or question my cooking, I will present it to the world as being excellent until someone tells me different.

Myth# 4 That showing cleavage is bad. I blame this entirely on my father as a hangup from my childhood. I developed too early and I think my Dad was uncomfortable with my bosoming breasts. He told me shirts that were too low cut were unattractive and encouraged me to keep the girls covered. Over the years I have grown to love my attractive bust. It has only been recently in the last few years that I have embraced showing cleavage at social events, in clothing, as mature women do. In fact as soon as I learned to love my girls, there appearances didn't quite draw as much attention. The more people get used to seeing them the more they become part of the backdrop and not the forefront of the Gertie Show. Showing cleavage can be tasteful, sexy, and appropriate for a fun fearless heroine like Gertie.

I challenge all of you to take stock in what thoughts you may hold as mythologies about yourself and to try and set them aside if they are not true. We are all our own biggest self critics. We should remember to love and support ourselves as we love and support our loved ones. If you have a critical thought or if you notice a negative mythology holding you down, imagine your reaction if someone said that to your best friend. Can you be your own Marnie? Throw hammers at those myths and get them out of your head. That will make progress in learning to love your best self.

Until Next Time, 

Gertie XoXo

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Update on Gertie's Crushes

So in a recent post I know that I shared that I have a few crushes about town. Some of them I flirt with more than others, some are more realistic.....

Well I decided to bite the bullet and up the flirting with Covert D based on my feedback in my last blog. In late June I was set to see him at a work meeting and I arranged in advance with my work husband to help me with my cause if it looked awkward. Well Covert D was not at the meeting but his work colleague was. They seem very buddy buddy, Covert D and his bro. My work husband that he would do some covert ops of his own to finally ascertain the single status of the man who makes me swoon..... although there was no ring, there had been some lingering doubt from my end on Covert D's single status. It just seemed as if something were amiss. (By the way have I mentioned my work husband before? Do you have a work spouse? Maybe this can be a future blog. My work hubby just happens to be a ladies man and it has contributed to some very funny also reminds me that men are DOGS!! So thanks to my work hubby for keeping my ideas about men in perspective)

Well while I was standing talking to my work buddy Covert D's colleague walked by us in the hall. My work husband engaged him in conversation for a few minutes. There I was standing between two towering giants who were both over six foot tall, and my slightly less than average height, five foot three and a half self was beginning to feel like I was interrupting a grown up conversation. My work hubby asked the colleague where Covert D had been but he didn't use his name. He said,"Where has your little buddy been lately, I haven't seen him as much as I used to..." Work colleague was thrown off guard because we actually have people who are midgets in our work group. Super heroes can be all sizes you know!?! :) So after alot of confusion the colleague retorts that Covert D has been keeping busy. My work husband retorts," Has he been keeping busy in the office or with that hot blonde he is always mentioning," The colleague throws the hammer that sinks Gertie's crush when he replies,"Well I am not sure what she looks like, but if he has been keeping busy with a hot blonde, I am sure his WIFE might have something to say about that, unless its her" I am sure the conversation continued for a few minutes but I really don't know what was said. All I felt was deflated, I was positive there had been no ring, I had two independent witnesses observe his hand.

So I resolve to no longer girlcrush on Covert D he is obviously out of the running. Although since he doesn't wear a ring and has a lot of sexual tension maybe his colleague could be wrong. He did say he hadn't met the wife....regardless Gertie is currently not trying to prowl or flirt with a married man at work. I guess we will have to redirect our efforts and focus on the next mission at hand.

TALKING TO MR. COFEEE......hopefully that Operation is a bit more successful.

Watch out for hammers!
Gertie XoXo

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Gertie almost throws a hammer at the movies

Movies are a popular dating options when getting to know someone. I don't advise going to the movies on a first date and generally not on the second date either, but occasionally you bend the rules. The real reason why going to the movies is frowned upon so early in dating/relationship is because there is little opportunity during the actual movie for interaction and to get to know the person. In contrast I am sure my male readers would say that movies are excellent dates because there is lots of opportunity for contact and kissing.

However if you are planning on catching a drink/quickbite after the movie it's a great way to get to know each other after a shared experience. So after coffee with Fred Flinstone he asked me if I wanted to catch a movie with him later in the week. Gertie touts on her online dating profile that she likes to share popcorn at the movies, so it's something that people often suggest to her. She really only declines the invitation if the movie sounds bad.

I once had a guy take me to Beauty & The Beast 3D on a date, and even though it didn't work out, Kudos to him for the romantic date notion. Secret Confession: Gertie is a huge fan of action movies, horror movies, and movies that make most women roll their eyes. She also likes chick flicks and romantic comedies but because growing up her primary movie going buddy was her Dad, her movie taste is somewhat skewed. As we previously learned,  Gertie also doesn't jump at scary movies.

'You don't want to see my movie pick, and I don't want to see yours so I think it's only fair that we see something neither of us wants to.'
Choosing a movie, Gertie Style!
Fred and Gertie meet early after work to attend a movie, he hadn't mentioned what they were going to see, but Gertie was sure she would enjoy it. She knew there were several movies she was interested in seeing. Fred assumed that Gertie would want to see the inevitable chick flick that was playing in the theaters and widely hyped on all social media outlets.  Fred almost struck out when they met because he didn't have a plan of what movie to see.... or a specific time. You know when you are at the theater and shows start within a half hour window and then it's two hours before more movies play. Well that is what is going on as they are trying to decide. Fred responded that Gertie could choose anything she liked and pointed out the start time for the over-advertised chick flick. Unbeknownst to Fred, Gertie had already seen that movie twice and had no interest in seeing it a third time. I only saw it twice because I had plans with two different sets of girlfriends and didn't want to decline either girls night because I had already seen the movie, so I went to both. Back to the task at hand, within thequickly closing window there was only an action movie and a teen house party flick left to see.... Gertie had also seen the action movie. Ok OK I see a lot of movies, but it was late in  winter and with the weather being mucky, it had been a popular activity. So Teen House Party Flick, and with a swipe of a card at the automated machine Gertie and Fred were off to see Project X.

While Project X is a funny movie, the previews included a lot of raunchy humor. I was not uncomfortable in the least, being a sailor's daughter but Fred kept blushing as the raunchy humor ensued. Skip ahead to the movie, there was much talk about trying to get laid, vulgarity, and teenage angst. Gertie was thoroughly laughing and enjoying herself and poor Fred just kept looking at Gertie to gauge whether he had blown his chance and she was offended. Then there was the bedroom hookup scene in the movie. I have never seen a man turn so ghastly white at the sight of sex, and sneakily look to see my reaction. I felt like I was watching a movie with my Dad, and he was covering my if you were a five year old. A quick squeeze to Fred's hand and a smile seemed to wipe the tension from his face and he relaxed and begin to enjoy the flick. The movie was actually incredibly funny. I laughed more at that than I did the 21 Jump Street remake that came out about the same time.

As the chatted after the movie and strolled about the local town center they relaxed and Gertie saw alot more of Fred's personality shine through. Remember Fred isn't a glittering gem he is more of a diamond in the rough. There was something about him in his work clothes, a bit more polished and professional than his casual coffee attire that really made Gertie notice his handsome features. Everything was going well and then Fred told the most embarassing story about taking a Lady on a movie date and losing his car in the process. Apparently, Fred is notorious for misplacing things, especially where he parked. He proceeded to tell Gertie about an app you can install on your phone to prevent such a thing from happening. All was going well, but the time to end the date had come upon them. Fred offered to walk Gertie to the car and said that they had parked in the same garage. Turned out he hadn't used the parking app and he was wrong. Gertie, treating others as she liked to be treated decided to give Fred a lift the two blocks to where he actually parked. On the way there she made jokes about her bad driving and they talked about their great time. 

There is something Gertie hasn't told you about going on her first two dates with Fred, they were all an attempt to get an invite to a group that Fred belonged to.....more about that in the next blog. Yes Gertie knows this is wrong, but honestly she would have never accepted a coffee date except for that Fred held a key to enter a lair which she had been seeking admittance. Despite the great time they had at coffee, Gertie really just wanted an invite to the group event he was attending the next weekend or she would have never agreed to an early bird movie in the middle of the week but Gertie had her eye on a prize......

Fred invited Gertie to the group event she had wanted to attend and started making plans to meet her that Saturday. As she pulled up to the garage where he had parked his car she made some idle chit chat and expected him to get out of the car. There had been minimal touching at the theater and no attempt to goodnight kiss had happened so far, so our HandShake Heroine thought she was in the clear.....BUT OH BOY WAS SHE WRONG!!! Remember when Gertie told you not to give boys rides home, even if that meant the man had to wait in the rain. Well never let men into your car or your apartment unless you are ready for them to see it as an invitation to take things to the next level..... 

 As Gertie stopped in front of the garage Fred took the invitation to sit in her car as an invitation to invite himself into her mouth. In one foul swoop he leaned in for a hug and kissed her on the mouth. Gertie was shocked, she hadn't seen the date as being so romantic nor their relationship as being so familiar. Remember Dear Gertie is often a prude when first meeting a gentleman. As Fred kissed her, she felt  his tongue jamming against her lips, a foreign invader to her mouth had arrived, in lieu of relaxing and kissing him back our heroine clenched her jaw. The combination caused an ominous thing to happen.......FRED LICKED GERTIE'S TEETH. Then as if once were not enough, when she raised the hammer and pushed him back, before she could throw it he leaned in and did it again. Later on when Gertie makes fun of Fred for doing such a ridiculous thing he tells her his best friend told him ladies like their teeth licked. HOW ABSURD!!!! Gertie didn't want to lose her invite to the event that Saturday so she game him an incredulous look and wished him a good evening. She really wished she would have thrown a hammer at him, but something held her back

Until Next Time, 
Gertie XoXo

Ps We know that I didn't throw the hammer because Fred is still being posted about on this blog, sometimes I shock and amaze myself.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Sexual History Yes or No - Yeah it's a Blog Chain

One of my favorite bloggers, Ponyboy over at Marriage in the Bedroom has posted a sort of blog chain letter, which he encouraged us to repost. The interesting point here is that he provided explanations and answers. I think it would be funny just to write Yes or No and if you really want more explanation than message me or use the comments section. I think it is more like a bucket list, you either have or haven't, it's really that simple.... Or is it? Because I am so verbose and loquacious, I actually think it will be harder for me to just write yes or no. I encourage everyone to copy and repost if they would like to share their answers.... And here we go!

1. Have you ever had intercourse? Yes 
2. Oral Sex: Given or received an orgasm? Yes
3. Licked an ass? No
4. Had your ass licked? Yes
5. Stuck your tongue in their ass? No
6. Swallowed Cum? Yes
7. Practiced Bondage or BDSM ?  Yes
8. Had anal sex? No
9. Had an orgasm from anal sex? No
10. Ever squirted or made someone squirt? Yes
11. Had sex with someone of the same sex? No
12. Did a threesome? No
13. Did a foursome? No
14. Been in an Orgy? No
15. Been in a gangbang? No
16. Had sex in public? Yes
17. Snowballed (swapping cum) with someone? No
18. Had your toes licked or sucked? Yes
19. Licked or sucked someone’s toes? No
20. Had sex with more than one person (one on one only) in a day? Yes
21. Had sex with more than one person (one on one only) in a week? Yes
22. Had cyber sex or phone sex? Yes
23. Reached an orgasm? Yes
24. Watched porn? Yes
25. Bought a dirty magazine? Yes
26. Posted nude pictures of yourself on the net? No
27. Let someone video tape you having sex? No
28. Had sex without protection? Yes
29. Had someone give you a cum facial or gave someone a cum facial? No
30. Have you participated in any type of golden showers? No?
31. Have you let anyone or have you shit on anyone? No
32. Had sex with a friend’s significant other? No

33. Ever did one of your significant others friends or relative?
34. Have you ever cheated on your significant other? Yes
35. Made someone pass out from sex? Yes
36. Tasted your own cum? Yes
37. Masturbated? Yes
38. Let someone watch you? Yes
39. Ever showed yourself naked on cam? No
40. Had sex while on your period or while someone was on their period? Yes
41. Been ate or eaten someone? Yes ( I object to this question use of grammar)
42. Had sex with someone you knew less than an hour? Yes
43. Had sex in a vehicle? Yes
44. Been caught having sex? No
45. Paid for sex? No
46. Used toys during sex? Yes
47. Used food? Yes
48. Like pain from a little to extreme during sex? Yes ?
49. Ever been dominated in bed? Yes
50. Ever had a wet dream? Yes
51. Like to have your ass slapped during sex? Yes
52. Like having your nipples licked, sucked, or bitten? Yes
 53. Had sex with someone you didn’t know their name? No 
Now that you have read about my sexual deviancy, I encourage you to think about one more question. Would you answer all these questions honestly to a partner and how far into the relationship would you reveal the whole truth? I'm about up front honesty and think it's better to put it all on the table. That doesn't mean I think you should talk about your entire sex history on a first date, or before the first date, because most it will definitely get you the hammer, like Mr. Transportation.
Until Next Time, 
Gertie XoXo