Monday, December 19, 2011

For your holiday enjoyment, Gertie throws hammers at boys who bring their moms on dates.

Always one to give you a good laugh before the holidays, I'd like to share now how I threw a hammer and an elbow at a boy who brought his Mom on our date.

Somewhere between the Rockstar and present day times. I exchanged emails with a gentleman whose name was Jason. Jason seemed like a nice guy, government job, CWMAM. What is CMAM you might be asking?I am always a fan of a stocky man, it leads to better hugs and an greater opportunity to steal their t-shirts to sleep in. CMAM is a term I saw used in one of those gentleman's online dating profile, it means Chubby Man Animal Magnetism. Don't be alarmed, Gertie doesn't really discriminate she likes all men with animal magnetism but she gives the chubby ones an extra gold star.

Back to Jason he was average height, had CMAM, and mid/late twenties in pictures looked like a rather good time. We exchanged quite a few emails and this was back in the times when I would talk to someone for a longer period of time before meeting on line. We decided to meet at a middle location for dinner. I was excited because this particular place had the most amazing pretzel bread and brewed their own beer. I had already instituted the no phone number in advance rule, so I knew when I arrived I would have to look around for Jason. I was also coming down with a cold, so even though I wanted to cancel I really had no way without being rude.

When I walked into the entrance I looked around and saw no CMAM, I did see two people approaching me. One of the people was a woman slightly older than my mom and the man resembled a svelte older version of Jason his dark hair now in a Roman haircut with a lot more salt than pepper.

Now I know people use outdated photos often. I try and keep mine update within the last 6-12 months. I generally try and keep them in the 6 month range but sometimes you have a great picture that stays a little longer. It's hard to keep online dating photos fresh, especially because I don't walk around taking solo pictures and I generally don't like to advertise my friends in them either.

However Jason's photos were from at least five years ago and apparently he was now an entirely different body shape, not cool.... If he was an average built guy that's what he should have advertised. So now here I am with this mislabeled man and an old woman approaching me. Jason says, "Hi, introduces himself and HIS MOM!" Now generally people's mother's love me but I don't normally meet them on first dates.

The rest of the discussion with his MOM was a bit of a blur, to be honest I was just in shock about the visual disparity, my sinus headache, and her accompanying him to a date. She was there to tell me that Jason had epilepsy (not an issue) and she had written instructions for what to do if he had an episode while we were on the date. I don't really care that he has epilepsy or that there are precautions/steps to take if something occurs. What I care about is that he didn't have the decency to tell me in our lengthy conversations and now he is just standing there while his mom lets me know about something that is an integral part of his life.

Are we in high school? I feel like we are at Homecoming or 8th grade dance before you could drive when you're parents dropped you off at dinner. In lieu of a corsage I am receiving instructions about my date. EPIC FAIL!

I stayed for dinner, I decided to give Jason a chance because maybe he didn't tell me because he thought I would decline the date. Turns out we just didn't have great chemistry, mostly because he had mislead me about his appearance with the outdated photos. Also it came up that he couldn't drive and doesn't drink. I am in no way a raging alcoholic but I like a cocktail and he said drinking bothered him because he used to binge drink in his early twenties and it exacerbated his illness. Therefore he really didn't like people to drink in front of him. He said his friends took turns driving him around however none of them were available today and thus I got to meet his mom. Oh did I mention she left shortly after we were seated.....but it was still a little to long for me.

The rest of this story is a little awkward but I'll tell you just to finish it out. Jason had to call someone for a ride after our date, although out of the way his place was only ten minutes away. Oh wait did I mention, he also mentioned he lived with his mom...actually whole family but that's an entirely different point. This was back in the days where you listed lives alone, with roomates, with family on your online dating profile. He had listed roomates....FYI your mom is not a roommate. I offered him a ride, it was raining and I didn't want to come off as cruel. EPIC FAIL!

Never ever offer men a ride home, to come to your place, or an invitation into your personal space if you know at that point the date is over. While I was driving the ten minutes down the road he started to get a little fresh with men and I had to threaten to pull over and throw him out of the car in the rain if he didn't stop. When I pulled up to drop him off he attempted to kiss me despite the fact that I had told him I had sometime of cold/flu brewing. I threw a hammer or rather my elbow and reached across to open the door of my car. Gesturing him out in the most polite fashion I could muster. I drove off quickly and hoped to never hear from him again.

When he emailed me I declined a second date and told him in the future he should probably let people know about his epilepsy pre-date and that the reason we weren't going out again was his ill regard for my personal space in the car and his outdated photos.

Fast forward almost four years and now I am single again and dating online, guess who winks at me Jason....he has the same CMAM picture which now is verging on being a decade too old. He sends me some form letter email, he must send it to all girls in a specific demographic. I respond letting him now that we have gone out before I reiterate my photo comments and wish him well. His response is that since we are both online again(again? did you ever leave?) maybe it is fate and we should go out. I decline and let him know that at 25 I really wasn't into dating boys who live with there Mom and so it is definitely not an option at 30.....Hammer thrown!

Watch out for hammers,
Gertie xoxo

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