Oh Batphone, how I love thee, let me count the ways. For all of you who have yet to jump on the bandwagon, I highly recommend Google Voice. It's an excellent way to have an alternate number you can use for dating, texting, business, and to keep your phone number portable. It's also an easy way to block contacts when you are through with them, i.e. send them to SPAM. Normally I am writing about dates that have happened in the past, but today I am taking time to write about something that happened last night which I just can't shake. It was possibly one of the most shocking phone calls of my life, mainly because I have no idea what the person on the other end of the line was thinking as the diarrhea poured from his mouth.
We'll call him Mr. Transportation. He originally listed his job as Entertainment, which made me think he was some type of exotic dancer but turns out after lengthy conversation that he had a CDL and had driven everything from school buses to Greyhounds, to actual tractor trailers. Let me clarify from the start that had he told me about his career from the start, it would have most definitely been a dealbreaker. But let me get back to the story at hand where the Batphone saved my life. Mr. Transportation was 35, divorced, and listed himself as living in a slightly affluent suburb nearby. He seemed funny and initially I was going to give him a date because in his ask he offered to take Gertie shooting. Upon discussion with a few of the inner circle it seemed like writing about a date at the shooting range seemed fun, so Gertie should give it a try.
Gertie called Mr. Transportation using her bat phone to talk about setting up the date. He had said he was available so she should call when she was done running around town. Immediately the phone call which was supposed to be about setting up a dinner date and some gun toting turned into the Story of Mr. Transportation's life.
He told Gertie of his marriage, divorce, that he really didn't live where his profile listed him, where he worked. Turns out he worked for Greyhound but thought it was considered entertainment because he often took people to entertainment venues and got to participate in their fun. Don't worry he told me spouses and girlfriends can often come too. Several times during the conversation Mr. Transportation (oh heck, let's change it to Mr. T.) referred to our upcoming future, if things worked out, if we got married, when I met his mom. By the way this phone call lasted for about an hour and I never knew I could learn so much about someone from without being a Private Eye.
Mr. T then started talking about how he thought Gertie was disinterested because she didn't accept his initial ask last week. She has simply told him she already had plans. He told her he liked all kinds of women. In the time since he thought Gertie might not work out he had engaged in a chat or conversation with a varied amount of women. He described these womens' looks, their ethnicity, and their personas to Gertie on the phone. Then he told her that he was glad it seemed like Gertie was going to work out because she was the top filly in contention. He then moved to talking about exclusivity and how he was a one woman type of man. He asked Gertie if she liked flowers and what were her favorite kind, hinting he would be bringing them on their date.
He continued to tell me about his hobbies, tattoos, and sports teams. If he asked me a question and my answer was contrary to his in regards to one of these arenas, he would follow up with, "Well Opposites Attract!" He also asked Gertie if she was a good kisser and whether she was affectionate. Why do men ask women these questions? Why don't you just take a girl on a date and kiss her? If she is affectionate and kisses you back and you like it you have your answer. I don't really give polls after I kiss to see if the other person gave me a ten. Have you ever had the feeling of impending doom but not been able to avoid the situation? That's where this phone call was heading. I could see that this was headed in a bad direction but I just couldn't hang up the phone.
Mr. T then started to tell Gertie that he lived with his parents. He touted that he hoped this wasn't a deal breaker, that he was a basement dweller in his mother's home. He said it was because one of his parents was dying and he helped care for them, but he couldn't answer what was the ailment.
He proceeded to ask Gertie if she felt like Pizza Hut or Golden Corral are acceptable first dates? He preempted that questions by asking her if she wanted to join him for a Seafood Buffet. He said that he was stepping up his game since another young lady had told him Golden Corral and Pizza Hut weren't places to take Ladies you were trying to woo. He further lamented that he wasn't made of money and these other ladies just seem so high maintenance. I don't really think I accepted a date with him I just shockingly mumbled and attempted to get off the phone. He texted me an address to meet him Friday at 6pm. I never really agreed to the date. He just kept talking. At some point he said tell me about you, but then he kept rambling on about himself. He told Gertie he had been stood up recently by another date. He had not had alot of luck lately with the ladies. He told me that there was one girl he thought he had chemistry with but it hadn't really worked out.
I don't know if it was because I am a glutton for punishment or because I am a fool but I let the man keep talking and that's were our phone call really gets interesting. He starts telling me that he met a lady from a land slightly South of where we reside. The place is a little trashy, to be polite. The young lady and he kept trying to setup dates but she had a very busy schedule. She was going to be in the area, where he lives. Here is where he mentions that he really doesn't live in the posh suburb but actually a modest neighborhood nearby. Not a huge issue, just that he had previously mislead me. SO as it turns out the young lady of Mr. T's was going to be staying at a local hotel in the town which he lives and so since she was there for the weekend they should meet. But the issue at hand is that she has a lot to do while in town so she isn't sure of the time they should plan their get together. Mr. T tells Gertie this story is shocking it made him think about women, sex, and relationships differently. It frightened him from online dating and made him run out and get an STD test. This make Gertie think then why are you sharing this with me on the phone?, but I digress. He continues by telling me that this young lady was in town with her bi friend, she confessed to him that they are swingers. She tells him about the fun of the lifestyle. She apparently tells him that you cannot catch STDs from swallowing cum. Yes Mr. T just said swallowing cum to me on the phone. I wanted to hang up but I had to hear how this outlandish story was going to end. Turns out the young lady had a hotel room in town because she and her friend had setup an ad on Craigslist seeking 15 young suitors to have group sex with, or as Mr. T delicately put it a gangbang. Yes you heard me right folks, this "Nice" man who has mislead me about his career, location, and wants to take me to dinner is now telling me about a gang bang on the phone. He continues that it ends up no one showed up for the gang bang and the girls were very disappointed. He and his friend Tito decided to cheer them up. By the way I will meet Tito soon, if I become his girlfriend, according to Mr. T. Then he and Tito took the ladies to ice cream and to cheer them up Tito told the young lady she could give him a hand job..............SERIOUSLY!!! Then he says the young lady got very upset and demanded to be driven back to the gang bang motel all the while asking me why she would be offended. Tito was simply trying to help the girls out.
Then he told me simply because the swingers rode in his car he got an STD test. I asked him if he knew STD's weren't airborne diseases and he said just being in her presence made him feel dirty. He assured Gertie nothing had transpired with the young lady but Gertie is hesitant to believe that is the case. I am not sure about everyone but to Gertie this was a laughable story. These are stories told after many gazillion dates when you know you have hooked a keeper. These are not first phone call conversation. These are stories you only admit when you are drunk or when your buddy Tito retells them in an attempt to embarrass you.
Gertie ended the phone call. Mr. T tried to confirm if they were on for Friday. Gertie declined she said she had gotten to know him plenty and in this case Opposites did not attract! Hammer Thrown! As Gertie blocked his number on her Batphone and knew she would never hear from Mr. T again, she said a little prayer for modern technology and the invention of Google Voice!
*****UPDATE: Received a text from Mr. T yesterday confirming we had a date from Friday. I responded telling him that we had no such plans, we were not a good match and I wished him luck finding someone more compatible in the future. He proceeded to call and text me for three hours last night. The number of call attempts were inumerable. Here is the voicemail he left me as evidence that this insanity really does exist in the world, fyi I never called him any names, those are his own self deprecating statements.********
Watch out for Hammers!!