Thursday, December 15, 2011

Gertie Throws Hammers at Virgins

2 blogs 1 day This is blog 1 of 2.

Well you are all just lucky! Gertie is a Virgin Magnet. Well to be honest I am a magnet for many things Momma's Boys, Men that Live with their Parents, Old Guys, D&D Players, Southern Pretend Gentlemen, but I am sure we will get to all those over time. Today's topic will be when to throw Hammers at Virgins...

Upon first glance a 25, 30, 35+ year old Virgin seems harmless but don't let their meek and inexperienced novelty fool you. There are many Virgins in this world and they are most likely online dating. They are the guys who play at Games Stores, are obsessed with male dominated activities, and they are probably incredibly nice BUT....there's most definitely a reason they are not getting laid.

And as we learned from the last post, being nice doesn't mean you are getting in my pants!

My first experience with the World of Male Virgins was when I was quite young in my twenties. At first I thought this chaste man was a virgin for religious purposes, being chaste for morals can't be that bad? and it show commitment, so I tried not to judge. BAD IDEA. Men who are virgins after college are not Virgins by choice, they are virgins out of social awkwardness, or lack of opportunity.

Most recently I forgot this notion and on my first foray into the single world I again began dating a virgin. Now this virgin was quite tricky. He didn't not wear his V card emblazoned on his pocket protector nor did he keep it laminated in his wallet, he was hiding it waiting to reveal it at the most opportune time. Certain bells and whistles may occur if you find yourself on a date with a virgin, I will alert you to these trends so you can be aware:

Virgins are uncomfortable at physical interactions: they may be too aggressive in the need to kiss you, or uncomfortable with slight touching, they will also most likely not know how to kiss. Virgins will wait a few dates to even try and put it on you. Virgins will seem enamored with the idea of fooling around but not for the desire to actually have you more with the notion that it is finally going to happen!!

If you encounter one of these interesting frogs along the way I implore you not to take the kissing too far. They will not become your prince. Remember losing your virginity in high school, college, spring break, well sex with a Virgin is just like that EXCEPT you're not at that age/inexperienced anymore and you're still having virgin sex.

I did fall for a Virgin trap this summer, and I officially added the infamous V-card to my repertoire. It wasn't the best of times or the worst of times, but it was the most eager sexual encounter I have had in quite a long time. This Virgin liked cake, and after an amorous pregame I forgot his inexperienced status. Feeling quite Chinese and unable to think clearly I bounded into uncharted Virgin territory. The Virgin didn't was a long arduous process but it didn't seem to have an end, it just kept going and going. I chalked it up to a first time event.

The Newly Experienced Virgin and I continued to see each other for much too long. Forgetting how much first time sex meant to a Virgin there was far too much attachment on his end and much too little investment potential for me in any real future. The Virgin became obsessed with seeing me, sexing me, and being infatuated with me. He decided he was in love. Where I failed in ending this adventure is quite possibly the funniest part of the story.

Now we talked about the inability to finish, and it kind of continued in a sort of way. Being an experienced teacher I tried many ways to get the Virgin off. I didn't want to teach him that women were selfish and ungiving. There were many quirks about the things the Virgin was into after years with Rosey Palm, but all of them were understandable, except for this.....he couldn't finish unless one of us said I love you.

It happened on accident the first time.
He had this look like he was holding back, I asked him what was wrong, and he replied, it's something we discussed that he shouldn't say. I told him that in the confines of the bedroom he should let his freak flag fly and say whatever he like. I told him sometimes things came out and that things happen and it was fine. That day the Virgin said I love you during sex as he finished, I was shocked and had no idea how to respond. But my encounter with him continued, and this is the point where I should have drawn the line. There was also the time he cried in public, but really it was that The Virgin liked to profess his love while having sex.,

Upon one such occasion, the Virgin was repeatedly saying I love was becoming arduous, and I replied,"I love you too, would you cum already?' and then he did. It was a lie and turnoff all at once
And after that during every encounter included that seven letter phrase. At this point I knew it was him it was romantic, to me it was insane.

I was going on vacation. I decided to end things when my vacation was over. We would already have a break while I was away so it seemed to make sense. I had never really broken a heart before but I knew that I was about to. When I told him it was over it lead to many follow up phone calls amongst which he told me that I destroyed his faith in humanity. That he didn't care that I didn't love him the way he loved me, he basically admitted he was willing to settle. My heart broke a little as I threw the hammer at that toad, and I really felt like a cad. While I didn't set out to break his heart I knew I had and for that I will forever be sorry.

What have we learned from this story boys and girls is already being promulgated by TLC and the Virgin Diaries, which I have yet to watch but have caught the previews, Watch out for Virgins. They are eccentrics, they may be sweet, but if you want sweet buy a puppy. Don't spear Virgins, and when they try to attach definitely throw your hammer!

Watch out for hammers,
Gertie xoxo

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