Thursday, December 8, 2011

Let's start at the beginning..the need for a hammer

Once there was a recently dumped girl who began online dating. She was cute and funny and assumed all the other people online dating would be the same. She started exchanging emails with a Christian Rockstar, well actually he was a devout Catholic hockey commentator, but we'll call him Christian Rockstar none the less. He seemed perfect for her after being recently dumped, except....he didn't live in her state. He traveled for work and he called her often(he's the reason we have the phone number rule) but E-harmony said they were a perfect match so their online tryst continued.

He moved farther South and now he had commentated games in the state where her family lived. She visited there often so it occurred to her that if they were in the area at the same time maybe they could meet. They exchanged personal emails, phone numbers, IM, and he had plenty of time to chat. She ignored the fact that if he was such a catch in a new town, he should be out making friends and meeting people.

It really kept her occupied and she pushed past the loneliness of her breakup. In discussing their relationship history it came out that the Christan Rockstar had thought about being a priest, favorite move was Sister Act 2, and he was a 25 year old VIRGIN!!! He was enraged when he found out that Gertie was not a virgin too. He closed their match, sent her a nasty gram, and told her to never call him again.

But our young heroine told the Christian Rockstar off, she took crap from no one, especially a 25 yr old Virgin! She told him how dare he judge her after never being in a relationship and when he apologized she agreed to continue to chat. Being an inexperienced ingenue she made a mistake, she never should have continued speaking to him.

When someone judges you, ask yourself why?And when they judge you too harshly maybe you should consider judging them. They were not a good match but Young Gertie didn't yet have a hammer and so she continued trying to Spear a Toad.

She traveled to a Southern state and drove two hours to see this hockey commentator. She went to the game although she abhors hockey and then met the Rockstar out for drinks afterwards. Shockingly he didn't drink, and furthermore he didn't party like a Rockstar. In fact everyone on the team made fun of him and he seemed to not have any friends. They walked around for a while and Stupid Gertie decided to drive him back to his hotel. How harmless could this Virgin be? He was virtuous for religious reason and chaste for conviction.

And then it happened... on the ride to the hotel he told Gertie of his desire for her to wear a Singlet and how he wanted to take her down. He didn't want to have sex with her ever, he desired a sparring partner. Apparently this Virgin's fantasy was wrestling and Gertie domination. She dropped him off and declined to go inside. He tried to wrestle a kiss away from her in the car. She tried to decline but ejected him from the car after he molested her face in a fashion that can only be compared to being licked by a puppy from cheek to cheek. This Virgin was not a virgin of chaste moral nature but rather from lack of opportunity.

On the ride home she wondered why she hadn't seen the crazy warning signs?Why she had actually traveled by car and plane to meet a Rockstar? Why she didn't have a weapon of defense for his molestation. He called her the next day, before she left the state to perhaps have lunch or a visit. She knew they weren't meant to be, so she decided to tell him. He launched into some wacky tirade on the phone. She hung up.

The only thing that Gertie was certain of after this first foray into singleness and dating is that she needed a Hammer to Throw at Boys, until she finally speared a man. Upon the trip home Gertie decided to use her sharp wit and cunning skills to craft such an opportune weapon to protect her from the world of boys and toads.....

Watch out for hammers,
Gertie xoxo

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